IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In recent times, many people have focused on the adverse effects advertising has on children’s health, behaviour and family relationships. Advertising to children should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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A common opinion is that commercials are harmless to their viewers. Despite that, it is often believed that adverts harm young people’s well-being, actions and family dynamics.
Therefore
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, advertisements directed at young audiences should be prohibited. I believe
this
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 is entirely true
due to
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 the pressure faced by
parents
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, unhealthy eating habits and unwanted behaviours. Advertisements can often encourage unhealthy eating. Adverts nowadays are very prone to promoting instant
food
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.
Consequently
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,
children
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 will be attracted to consuming these poorly nourished foods, increasing the number of obese
children
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.
For example
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, McDonald’s ads stimulate
children
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 to eat fast
food
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 by adding toys
together with
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 their
food
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.
Thus
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, we see the younger generation being enticed to consume these types of
food
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 to have the gifts that come with it. Whilst some may argue that giving toys with meals can be beneficial in encouraging
children
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 to eat,
this
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 eventually results in pressure on
parents
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 to comply with their
children
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 and causes
children
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 to consume an unbalanced diet.
In addition
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, commercials in media are not as safe as we think. These ads might affect
children
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’s behaviour by causing impulsive acts and yearning for instant gratification to obtain the things being promoted.
In particular
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, ads promoting the latest expensive toy would entice
children
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 and have the potential to create unwanted tantrums if their wants are not fulfilled by their
parents
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, leaving
parents
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 helpless and desperate.
As a result
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,
such
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 enticement may end in an undesirable situation and leave an unhealthy outcome for both
parents
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 and their offspring. In conclusion, I believe that advertisements for
children
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 lead to many bad outcomes. Left uncontrolled, it may cause detrimental effects on
our
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
future
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your position on the topic and provides an overview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Also, the conclusion should provide a summary of the key points and reiterate your position on the topic.
task response
You have addressed the task to a considerable extent by presenting a well-structured argument and providing relevant examples to support your points. However, ensure that the introduction and conclusion meet the requirements for a complete response.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • vulnerability
  • critical thinking
  • childhood obesity
  • materialistic
  • consumerism
  • conflict
  • regulations
  • ethical marketing
  • media literacy
  • unrealistic standards
  • body image
  • parental controls
  • freedom of speech
  • purchasing decisions
  • advertising content
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