IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with?

#people #influence #adults #friends
Some folks opine that
adults
 who are younger get influenced by the family.
Whereas
 few people believe that
friends
 play a prominent role
to influence
Change preposition
in influencing
show examples
 young
adults
.
This
 essay explains my view of
this
 subject in some instances. On one hand, Family plays a crucial role in an individual's upbringing. Juveniles learn a plethora of
habits
 and interests by seeing their
parents
. From childhood, they try to enact what their mother and father did and kids
inbit
Correct your spelling
inherit
 most of the qualities from them. It is the parent's responsibility to teach their
childer
Correct your spelling
child
show examples
 what is correct and so on.
For example
, Kids learn how to treat elders with respect from their
parents
. If children
didn't
Wrong verb form
don't
show examples
 grow up in a well-educated and well-mannered environment, they tend to get influenced by all the bad
habits
 their
parents
 have.
On the other hand
,
Although
parents
 of youngsters taught them good manners and
habits
, children get influenced by their
friends
. They adopt many
habits
 from their close
friends
.
Friends
 have a tendency to do bad things and assume themselves as rebellious folks. They think that doing brave things will make them superior to others. There is a lot of possibility for younger
adults
 to get spoiled between the age of 18-25 when they adopt different lifestyles from
friends
 and they try to copy celebrities .
For instance
, youngsters want to dress up like a celebrity , and for ,
this
 they try to steal money from their
parents
.
Also
, they try to do rebellious acts like a movie star does in movies. They enjoy their friend's company and do exactly the same as their
friends
 do. In a nutshell, I strongly believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
even though at some level
parents
 influence their kids.
However
,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
teenage
Correct your spelling
teenagers
show examples
 it is the
friends
 who influence younger
adults
 more . There is a lot of chance for youngsters to get spoiled at
this
 age . So
parents
 should pay a lot of attention to their children in their daily routine.
Submitted by priya45338 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

essay
Task Response: The response only partially addresses the prompt and lacks depth in discussing the influence of family and friends on young adults. It is important to fully address both views and provide a well-developed argument for the chosen viewpoint.
essay
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay lacks proper organization and coherence, leading to a lack of clear structure. The introduction and conclusion are present, but the main points are not effectively supported and lack clear development. It is important to organize the ideas logically and provide relevant and well-supported examples for better coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: