IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many young people today spend a lot of time playing electronic games. Is this a positive or negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many young generations are spending much of their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 playing digital
games
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 there are some positive aspects of
this
Linking Words
, I think the negatives should
also
Linking Words
 be taken into account. There are several positives to playing electronic
games
Use synonyms
. One positive is why playing
games
Use synonyms
 teaches us teamwork, especially in
team
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 leads to
team
Use synonyms
 achievement.
Moreover
Linking Words
, playing
games
Use synonyms
 teaches us cooperation, organization and loyalty to our
team
Use synonyms
, which in turn affects positively our relationships with other people. Another positive is that it teaches participants to have
goals
Use synonyms
 and to work very hard to accomplish these aims. In
life
Use synonyms
, everyone has many
goals
Use synonyms
 and they want to achieve to aims in front of them.
Thus
Linking Words
, there is a strong relationship between playing
games
Use synonyms
 and learning about
life
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, my brother played digital
games
Use synonyms
. Today he focuses on everything and he can work cooperatively with the
team
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I acknowledge that children must not spend all their
time
Use synonyms
 playing electronic
games
Use synonyms
 because they have much homework today.
As a result
Linking Words
, they have not got enough
time
Use synonyms
 to do their tasks. All children should achieve many
goals
Use synonyms
 and should gain very good jobs in the future.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, young people play digital
games
Use synonyms
 and can ignore school lessons
as well as
Linking Words
 gain to none of purpose.
For instance
Linking Words
, my friend's brother spent a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 playing
games
Use synonyms
 during school. He left school and he did not enter university.
Consequently
Linking Words
, he cannot gain too many
goals
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, playing
games
Use synonyms
 teaches us many useful things about
life
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as coordination, achievement of
goals
Use synonyms
, and loyalty in
life
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it usually impacts
life
Use synonyms
 very badly.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

sentence structure
Consider introducing more varied and complex sentence structures to enhance the sophistication of your writing.
content balance
Try to balance the discussion between positive and negative aspects by dedicating a similar amount of content and analysis to each side.
evidence support
Use more specific examples to support your arguments. While personal examples are good, incorporating a wider variety of evidence can make your essay more convincing.
argument coherence
Keep working on the coherence of your arguments. Make sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next, and that your ideas within paragraphs are clearly connected to each other.
structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your essay.
topic relevance
The topic of team skills development through gaming is relevant and interesting. This adds strength to your argument.
balanced discussion
You've made an effort to discuss both sides of the argument, showing an awareness of the complexity of the issue.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: