IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In more and more countries, people choose to give money on special occasions rather than giving gifts chosen personally. Why might this be the case? Is it a positive or a negative development?

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It is common that nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 prefer directly providing
money
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 rather than
prepared
Wrong verb form
preparing
show examples
 presents on special days. There are social reasons for
this
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 trend, and in my opinion,
this
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 can cause many negative consequences. the main reason for
this
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 is because of the increasingly rapid pace of modern societies. As we all know, many citizens are under great stress and have to be engaged in their work and study all the
time
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.
As a result
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, these
people
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 are likely to have no sufficient
time
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 and energy to prepare gifts for special days,
such
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 as
birthdays
Correct article usage
the birthdays
show examples
 of their children,
as well as
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 wedding anniversaries. Another reason is that, in many societies, raising
money
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 has become the major purpose in certain situations.
For example
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, many Chinese parents hold parts after their children get offers for higher education, in
this
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 way, they can get financial support from their friends and relatives for their
further
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 education. From my perspective,
this
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 development can cause many negative consequences.
Firstly
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, rather than carefully preparing gifts, giving
money
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 results in
people
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 drawing themselves away from each other. they are no longer willing to spend
time
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 knowing what
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the real requirements of their families and friends, at the same
time
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 they can rarely feel the care and attention from others.
Secondly
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, many
people
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 consider offering
money
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 to their acquaintances on special days as a great burden, because it takes a quite large proportion of their salaries. Sometimes, in order to cover the cost, many
people
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 tend to find excuses to hold parties and get their
money
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 back.
accordingly
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,
this
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 trend causes suspicions
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 colleagues and neighbours in many societies where
people
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 do not trust others. In conclusion, many social reasons are responsible for
this
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 development, and
this
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 can not be seen as a positive trend, because I believe nobody is glad to live in a society, where
people
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 only pay significant attention to
money
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to include more specific examples to support your main points clearly and comprehensively.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to enhance the logical structure of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure proper punctuation and capitalization, especially at the beginning of sentences for better readability.
task achievement
Consider rephrasing or expanding on ideas to make them clearer and more nuanced, especially in the second half of your essay.
task achievement
You have chosen a relevant topic and presented a clear opinion.
task achievement
The essay shows a good understanding of the reasons behind the trend of giving money instead of gifts.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial flexibility
  • recipient
  • unwanted gift
  • busy lifestyles
  • cultural shifts
  • socially acceptable
  • monetary gifts
  • practical
  • uncertain economic times
  • essential expenses
  • personal preferences
  • tastes and preferences
  • safer choice
  • climate consciousness
  • waste and sustainability
  • unnecessary production and consumption
  • freedom to choose
  • recipient’s needs and desires
  • giving money
  • special occasions
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