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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays more and more older people complete with younger people for the same jobs. What can be the reason for this? What would you suggest as a solution?

#people #jobs #reason
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In modern society, many countries are facing a situation, in which the average age is getting higher and higher some
people
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 believe that
this
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 is the reason why
people
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 who are involved in different
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
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 compete with each other to get a
job
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. I want to say I agree with
this
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 idea.
Firstly
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, I think the main reason is that the number of the young generation is decreasing so the society is composed of older
people
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 than the previous day.
For example
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, especially in Korea, only a few
people
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 want to get married and have a baby. ,
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Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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this
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 sort of phenomenon leads to the extinction of one who can
work
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. Several decades ago, sons or daughters used to give money or physical care to their parents to support them when they
can't
Wrong verb form
couldn't
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work
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 anymore.
However
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, these days they don't have any family who can take care of them. for that reason, more
people
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work
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 longer even after they age.
Therefore
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 they are supposed to have an occupation like younger
people
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.
Secondly
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, to solve
this
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 problem, I think we need to promote improving
Correct article usage
the
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birth to increase the number of
people
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 who can
work
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. If older
people
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 don't need to get a
job
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 and enjoy their spare life, the younger generation can get more jobs than now. But as we know, It
is
Verb problem
takes
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 time taking
job
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 to apply
this
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 solution,
thus
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 we have to find other solutions
such
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 as creating jobs simultaneously. To summarize, our society confronts a challenge that makes
people
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 fight each other to get the same
job
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. I consider one of the reasons is that the average age is getting higher and higher
due to
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reduced
Correct article usage
the reduced
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 birth rate. and it leads that the elderly need to
work
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 after their physical expiration
expired
Wrong verb form
expires
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 and I think it can be solved by two solutions.
Submitted by eko2015 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the main argument and use clear topic sentences to guide the reader through the essay.
task achievement
Expand on the reasons and solutions provided in the essay to fully address the prompt and ensure that specific examples are relevant and fully developed.
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