IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Working is taking a more important role in people's lives. Why are people working so much? Do you think this trend is good or bad?

#role #people #lives #trend
In the modern era, working consumes most of the lifetime of people, which become ordinary in today's society. In
this
 essay, the reason why individuals have to devote themselves to
work
, and my negative opinion toward the trend will be presented before my conclusion is reached. One of the reasons that they have to
work
 a lot is to generate income. These days, individuals use money as a medium to buy necessities including food, houses, medicine, and clothes.
Therefore
, working hard to earn money is crucial to feed themselves.
Moreover
, If those have
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 and kids to take care of, they need to do more occupations to generate more income to feed their families too.
For example
, when you have children, you need to do extra jobs
for paying
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to pay
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 tuition fees, food, students' uniforms, stationery, medicine, and so on.
Hence
, working is very crucial for living in the present world, which uses cash to pay for everything.
Although
 doing jobs can generate money for better well-being, too much
work
 is presumably considered a bad trend because it can cause disastrous effects on those who do not have a
work
-life balance.
First,
it wreaks havoc on physical and mental health.
For instance
, Japanese officers
work
 more than 8 hours a day, and 6 days a week, which makes them have rest time to take rest and suffer from depression. Eventually, the country is reported to have the highest rate of citizens who commit suicide in the world.
Second,
it harms the relationship between important people
such
 as family and friends. Children who spend less quality time with their
parent
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parents
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 is likely to be aggressive and addicted to narcotic drugs.
Consequently
, when these grow up, they will
make
Verb problem
cause
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 trouble for society in the future. In conclusion,
this
 essay discussed the reason that individuals need to do jobs
for gaining
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to gain
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 income to feed themselves and their families,
as well as
 my perspective that too much
work
 can be detrimental to human health, and the relationship among family members. People need to balance the importance
between
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of
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 their
career
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careers
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 and personal
life
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lives
show examples
.
Submitted by pantamitsaekong on

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task response
Task Response: The essay provides a clear response to the given topic, addressing reasons for the increase in working hours and expressing a negative opinion on the trend. The ideas are relevant and well-developed.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The transition between ideas is generally smooth, but there are areas where the connection between sentences and paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.

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