For many people , the reason they work hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Due to
advances in technology
more and more Add a comma
technology,
people
working harder to earn a lot of money
as well as
learn skills
along with
experiences . Some people
think that people
work
hard the reason is to earn money
. I agree with this
statement and I think that some public work
hard to learn skills
and help others. I will discuss my reasons for it in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
with, there are many reasons why the public work
hard to earn money
. First and foremost, money
is the basic need for every individual to fulfil their daily activities. For example
, due to
advanced
in technology and the digitalisation of the world, everything skyrocketing and for that reason, individuals working harder to earn a lot of Fix the agreement mistake
advances
money
for their daily expenses. Secondly
, without money
people
cannot survive in the developed world, this
is because individuals need money
to buy their household chores and other things.
On the other hand
, some people
work
hard to learn some skills
and help their country. For example
, Bhagat Singh, worked hard for us to be free from British Rule and died as a brave martyr. Hence
, some public wants to save their country
Change noun form
country's
people
by socialising and campaignings
. Fix the agreement mistake
campaigning
Furthermore
, we listen to many army officers who died in wars, it is illustrated that some people
also
exist in this
world who work
harder for others.
In conclusion, money
is a basic need for the public to survive and we cannot be denied the need for money
. However
, every individual does not work
hard to earn money
, some also
want to help others and learn skills
from their work
.Submitted by thespoof318 on
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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs. Consider using more connective words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. While you mentioned Bhagat Singh, you could expand on this example to illustrate your argument further.
task achievement
Be more consistent in addressing the task question. Ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main statement about working hard for money versus other motivations.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding the main stance of the writer.
task achievement
You bring a historical example such as Bhagat Singh to support the claim that some work hard for reasons other than money, adding authenticity to the argument.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is straightforward, with distinct paragraphs for different points of view.
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