IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

International entertainers, including sports personalities often get paid millions of dollars in one year. In your view, with widespread poverty in the world are these huge earning justified?

#entertainers #sports #personalities #millions #dollars #year #poverty #world
Nowadays,
people
 know for their income in the society, actors and sports
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
 have got a lot of money for their work annually,
however
, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
thinking
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
that is
 not quite good for
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 as economics getting down and
people
 fighting for his own needs.
Thus
, I agree with
this
 statement which I am going to discuss in the below paragraph with relevant examples.
To begin
 with, the government is paying
a good salaries
Correct the article-noun agreement
a good salary
good salaries
show examples
 for the player and entertainers to keep maintaining their self in front of every
people
. They always stand for
country
 economics and keep
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
 ahead on the stage.
For example
, athletes are bringing meddle for
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 and that makes us proud for the represent our nation.
Moreover
,
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 image getting an increase
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the other international competitors, which requires for to give another
treat
Correct your spelling
threat
show examples
 for the player and international
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
. More, they have a lot of expenses on their own, they need to keep a
socially
Change the adverb
social
show examples
 appearance
with
Change preposition
like
show examples
 normal
people
 as well as to keep
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
safety from other threats.
On the other hand
, few individuals are against
this
 because of poverty in the
country
.
Some
Change preposition
In some
show examples
 countries
people
 are fighting for their needs and are not able to survive.
For instance
, Like Shri Lanka
country
 currently battle with their own needs but players are living the good life because they earned so much for their future and every small thing amount reaches
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the sky which normal
people
 cannot buy. To conclude, I am totally agreeing with
this
, all countries need to look at their own status as well as their
country
people
 not
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
fight for food, shelter and clothes.
Submitted by popatmarkad90 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: