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Band 4

Some people believe that too many resources and attention are devoted to the protection of wild animals and birds. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #resources #attention #protection #animals #birds
Nowadays some people think extra
budget
 and attention are paid to protecting wildlife. I totally disagree with
this
 opinion because lots of
animals
, birds, and plants have extinction in recent years. Statistics show every year more than 10 species are extinguished not only because their habitat is demolished but
also
 because they hunt extremely.
This
 tragedy occurs because the government’s
budget
 is not sufficient to protect
animals
 against hunters and other dangers.
In addition
, schools and media do not pay enough attention to wildlife and its importance in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. They should describe the important role of different species and inform society about the dangers of animal extinction. Factories are the second reason for treating
animals
 and plants world. They polluted water resources and air, cutting trees to build roads and
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 noise as well. They do these things because making money is more important to them than protecting the environment. They should use some filters to reduce the amount of pollution which they
produced
Wrong verb form
produce
show examples
 but governments do not have legislation on
this
 kind of subject. In conclusion,
although
 governments
paid
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
budget
Correct article usage
a budget
show examples
 to protect the environment, it is not enough. They should pay more
budget
 to protect
animals
 and jungles and legislation to punish those who treat the wildlife.
As well as
this
 schools and media should pay more attention to
this
 subject and inform people about the important role that
animals
 and trees have in our life.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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coherence cohesion
You have provided relevant examples to support your points, but your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Make sure to include a clear introduction that states your position and a conclusion that summarizes your main points.
task achievement
You have adequately addressed the task, providing both sides of the argument and expressing your disagreement. However, ensure that you present a stronger position in the introduction and provide a clearer conclusion to round off your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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