IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

In spite of the advances in medicine, many people around the world still die of easily preventable diseases. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

#spite #advances #medicine #people #world #diseases #case
In recent years, medicine has progressed enormously but
still
Add a comma
,still
show examples
 the highest death rate is related to preventable diseases.
This
 essay will examine the main causes of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 problems and possible solutions.
To begin
,
reaserches
Correct your spelling
researchers
researches
 shows most of
these preventable disease
Change the determiner
this preventable disease
these preventable diseases
show examples
 are
multifactonal
Correct your spelling
multifactorial
. means, the onset and progression of these
Correct your spelling
diseases
disease
diseaes
Correct your spelling
diseases
depends
Correct subject-verb agreement
depend
show examples
 on several factors
such
 as genetics and lifestyle. In recent decades people’s lifestyles have changed to processed and fast food and sedentary lifestyle.
For
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 nowadays in USA cardiovascular
Correct your spelling
diseases
disease
diseaes
Correct your spelling
disease
 is o0ne of
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 important reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 people’s death. That
associated
Add a missing verb
is associated
show examples
 with genetics , stress and
kind
Correct article usage
the kind
show examples
 of
nutintion
Correct your spelling
nutrition
 and activity rate of people.
Although
 obviously the role of genetics cannot be changed. But health sector s can promote people’s
Correct your spelling
knowledge
knowloedge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 and culture about having healthy nutrition and doing daily and regular exercises.
Moreover
Add a comma
,Moreover
show examples
 stress management techniques could be
Correct your spelling
taught
tough
thought
tought
Correct your spelling
taught
 to people. To conclude, to prevent most preventable and
chranic
Correct your spelling
chronic
Correct your spelling
diseases
disease
diseaes
Correct your spelling
diseases
 prevention medicine plays an essential role.
Thus
 by promoting awareness among people about
proper
Add an article
the proper
show examples
 lifestyle we can see a significant decrease in the death of these diseases.
Submitted by fa.banihashem on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: