IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that giving longer prison sentences is the best way to reduce crime. Others believe that there are better ways to reduce crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Crime
Use synonyms
 is always one of the most serious problems across the world. Regarding
crime
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 treatment, there are opinions that
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 period of
prison
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 is necessary to get rid of illegal actions,
whereas
Linking Words
 others suggest that
should be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
other ways are supposed to be more beneficial. In the following essay, I will give opinions on both views, followed by my point of view supporting the latter idea.
To begin
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 with, many
people
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 propose that long
prison
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 confines should be used as the most effective punishment for criminals as it can fear offenders and prevent
people
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 from crimes better.
However
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, no matter how strict the sentence
, unless
Add a missing verb
is, unless
show examples
 the
crime
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 is exposed, it will not show any effect in advance. To cite an example, in some undeveloped regions, because of poverty and low
education
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,
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also
Rephrase
as well as
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 laxity in management,
crime
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 has developed significantly that could not easily
solve
Wrong verb form
be solved
show examples
 by longer
prison
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 time only.
On the other hand
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, to tackle any issues, especially crimes, it is not only punishment but
also
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 the causes that should be considered as a pivotal point. The obvious core causes which led to committing crimes could be insufficient lives and lack of
education
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.
Therefore
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,
instead
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 of profounding strict sentences, and confining
people
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 in
prison
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 cells,
education
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 and
people
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's basic needs should be more concentrated in order to solve the problems from the root.
To sum up
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, I think that longer confines are one of the choices
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can consider and apply to the law,
however
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, it is still unsatisfactory for reducing
crime
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.
Instead
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 of that, improving
people
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's lives and the general
education
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 system is a better way for the
Linking Words
further
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
future.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction lacks a clear restatement of the two views and a clear indication of the writer's opinion. It would be more effective to clearly outline the two different perspectives and the opinion in the introduction.
task achievement
The essay provides a decent response to the task by discussing both views and offering a clear opinion. However, the examples used to support the ideas could be more specific and relevant to strengthen the arguments.
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