IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As a result of electronic inventions ,people do less physical activity and this is having a negative effect on their health . To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Due to
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 the advent of technology ,individuals perform less exercise and it is having a detrimental impact on their well-being.I totally agree with
this
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 view because of the change
of
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in
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 attitude and
dependent
Replace the word
dependence
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 on artificial intelligence .The essay will explain in detail the reasons for my stance
as well as
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 examples in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
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 with,one primary cause of poor health is a change of lifestyle.In the ,past most inhabitants prefer outdoor activities like Soccer,Basketball and Volleyball which are physically demanding and help them burn a lot of fat.With the advancement in technology like
as
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apply
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phones ,computers and television.They tend to spend more time with these machines rather than outdoor games.
This
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result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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 in obesity because they tend to sit for a long time without burning any fat.Obesity is a factor in many diseases.
For example
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 ,Hypertension and Diabetes Mellitus are caused by Obesity.
Moreover
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,they stay glued to the screen of
the
Change the word
their
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 computers and phones as they use them for a long time which leads to eye problems in the long run.If individuals involve themselves in outdoor games
instead
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 of indoor activities ,diseases like Hypertension will be reduced.
Secondly
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,another reason for poor well-being is dependent on modern inventions.Workers tend to do demanding work at their workplaces and with the advancement in machines they no longer perform
such
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 duties.
For instance
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 packing of products was done by individuals which helps them to burn excess fat.
Although
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 computers make work easier ,employees suffer .Companies should make workers demand jobs so that they will remove excess calories from the body. In conclusion,reliance on technology and change in behaviour are the two reasons people perform less physical activities nowadays
and
Correct word choice
apply
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which has resulted in poor
ill-health
Correct your spelling
ill health
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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and provides relevant examples. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more developed, and some points lack clarity.
task achievement
The response addresses the task prompt and provides clear ideas with supporting examples. However, it could benefit from a more balanced discussion and improved organization of ideas.
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