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Writing Samples
Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend?

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In today's modern era, more and more kids in the
Capitalize word
Western

The word western should be capitalized in this context.

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western
Capitalize word
Western

The word western should be capitalized in this context.

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 world have become obese
nowadays
Rephrase
apply

There may be an adverb issue here.

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. The ratio of obesity among youngsters
goes
Wrong verb form
has gone

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb goes. Consider changing it.

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 up by 20% over the past ten years. The reasons
as well as
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 the impact of the phenomenon will be discussed in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, one of the main reasons is that there are so many fast food restaurants located in
western
Capitalize word
Western

The word western should be capitalized in this context.

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 countries,
such
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 as McDonald's, Five Guys, KFC...etc. Having high-calorie snacks is part of the youngsters' daily routine.
For example
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, it is common to see students holding a
big
Correct word choice
apply

There may be an adjective issue here.

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large
coke
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Coke

The word coke should be capitalized in this context.

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 and eating french fries
while
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 they are walking on the street.
Secondly
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, lack of exercise will be another cause of the issue. Foodstuff which contains a large amount of sugar makes people feel sleepy and drowsy,
as a result
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, they tend to feel much lazier to work out.
Third,
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since fast food is quite convenient, easy to obtain, and
also
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 much cheaper than other nutritious cuisine, parents prefer to get a full fast-food meal set within 10 minutes,
instead
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 of spending more time at a grocery store and in the kitchen preparing a healthy cuisine for their children. The effects of the growing trend are rather worrisome as these overfat kids will soon grow up and cause a heavier burden on society.
Firstly
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, the young generation might become more sluggish and have developmental delays
due to
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 obesity. To illustrate, obese students are not only slow in their movement
,
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 but in their reaction as well. With that being said, their study performance could be affected
accordingly
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, which contributes to lower productivity when they grow up.
Furthermore
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, being overweight leads to more serious problems and diseases, including diabetes, high blood pressure or angina pectoris,
consequently
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, consuming more medical and social resources.
For instance
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, the government will have to allocate more funds toward medical treatment
along with
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 public facilities for these overfat residents. In conclusion, insufficient outdoor activities and poor diet are the main causes of fatness, which results in plentiful diseases and affects human development to a certain degree. The community should take the problems seriously and raise citizens' awareness of maintaining a healthy diet and lifestyle.

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses all parts of the task. Make sure to clearly present the causes and effects of the trend, and fully support the main points with appropriate explanations and examples.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be strengthened by clearly outlining the main points that will be discussed and summarizing the key arguments, respectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
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