IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Most people agree that money cannot be happiness. Why hapiness is difficult to define? How can people achieve happiness?

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A certain segment of individuals
argues
Correct subject-verb agreement
argue
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 that money can not buy happiness. In my opinion, it is possible for people to be happy even without having money and only aspects of life can
create
Verb problem
play
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 a vital role in creating happiness.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is always not the property that makes people happy.
Although
Linking Words
 having capital makes people happy, it is not
necessarily
Change the word
necessary
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 to follow those folks without always suffering.
For example
Linking Words
, in the world's happiest country
list
Add a comma
list,
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 Buthan ranks at number six, and it is not the wealthiest country in the world. So what makes Buthan the happiest person on the planet? It is none other than the simplicity of their lives. Simplicity can make a huge difference in the human mind, it can induce pleasure feelings in a person. folks can create their own exhilaration by changing aspects of the ways that they look into their lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, a doctor who works in a hospital works hard to earn wealth, sometimes he does a lot of private practice apart from the work he does in his hospital.
That is
Linking Words
 because he thinks he can create enjoyment for himself by earning a lot of wealth, getting luxury cars, and living in a huge palace. But it can change his view to pursuing jubilation by seeing the smiles of his patients, he can become happy
while
Linking Words
 doing
lesser
Correct word choice
less
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 work.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will help to improve his personal health as well, which will become an additional advantage for him. In conclusion, bills are not always the key to enjoyment, sometimes simplicity and the ways of looking into our own lives can make an individual happy. So, it is better we do not chase huge desires which make us
overwhelm
Wrong verb form
overwhelmed
show examples
.

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task response
Task Response: The essay provides a limited response to the question, focusing primarily on the relationship between money and happiness. It does not thoroughly address the reasons why happiness is difficult to define or how people can achieve it. To improve, ensure that all aspects of the question are fully addressed in a balanced manner.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay lacks a clear logical structure and does not have a well-developed introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the essay's main points are not well supported or connected, leading to a lack of coherence and cohesion. To enhance coherence and cohesion, use clear transition words, develop a well-structured introduction and conclusion, and ensure that each main point is fully developed and supported with relevant examples.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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