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Band 5.5

elebrities are famous for their weath and glamorous lifestyles rather than their achievements. This sets a bad example for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with that idea?

#elebrities #weath #lifestyles #achievements #sets #people #idea
There
are
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is
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increasing
Change the article
an increasing
the increasing
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 number of
celebrities
 who got well known
by
Change preposition
for
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 their glamorous lifestyles
instead
 of their talents in public. While I concur that these
celebrities
 set a bad example for teenagers, I agree that there are constructive outstanding
people
 to be defined as an idol.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
,hand
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 numerous
people
 build their achievements with not much effort. They may descend from affluent lineage, have married a famous or rich person or some are revealed by the gossip magazines superficially.
For example
, Nay Chi Oo, a widely known make-up artist from Myanmar,
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is famous for inaccurate reasons. She
waste
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wastes
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 lots of money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 unnecessary articles and
often
Add a missing verb
is often
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displayed
Wrong verb form
displaying
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 in public.
The another
Remove the article
Another
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 idea is her
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 provides that spending money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 popular brands,
glamour
Correct word choice
and glamour
show examples
 and her conduct of that wealth can buy success.
Hence
, the outcome
to
Change preposition
for
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 youth is that they don’t have to work hard
then
 achievements will become effortlessly.
On the other hand
, there are marvellous
celebrities
 whose faculties make them to
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 accomplished position among
populace
Add an article
the populace
show examples
.Professionals who are able to do living in their various fields successfully are
cause
Add an article
the cause
a cause
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 of their abilities and they do work hard by applying their great skills.One clear example is the model
Paing
Correct your spelling
Paying
 Takon, who became world famous by facing the trouble ages.
The
Correct article usage
A
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 self-made celebrity like him can inspire young
people
 to grow up with true ways of achieving methods. To sum up, there are famous
celebrities
 who became popular
with
Change preposition
in
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 incorrect ways while there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
real
Add an article
a real
show examples
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 who can stand professionally with their efforts respectively. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
people
 learn to
bright
Replace the word
brighten
show examples
 their future from
those kind
Change the determiner
that kind
those kinds
show examples
 of
celebrities
.
Submitted by tr.zarwaihnin on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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