IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. it would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports. d you agree or disagree

#children #computers #entertainment #time #sports
Technology has been in the life of every child since the day they were born, whether for leisure time or educational purposes;
As a result
, they rarely see the sunlight.
This
 has been a growing issue for the
last
 decade, as it affects today's kids majorly- and not in a good manner. In
this
 essay, I will be expressing my opinion on the matter and giving reasons for them. It is well known in the medical field that the lack of movement results in health issues. Being online almost all the time makes it easier for the negative effect to occur.
Therefore
, it is better for people in general, and kids in specific, to enjoy at least 3 hours outside, with no electronics. It is important to be active so as to not face major issues later on in life.
Moreover
, young individuals need to learn to socialize in places other than games; they need to experience the real world and not from just a screen. Nowadays, children tend to have almost no connection with the place around them: which is a problem because it can have a bad influence on their mental health.
This
 generation has the highest ratio of depression, anxiety, and social anxiety; coincidently, it is the generation that grew indoors, with almost no outdoor activities.
Lastly
, they are at an age where their personalities are getting into shape; how can one create a personality, a hobby, or anything, when all they know is artificial- whether it is from social media or an online game
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 It is important for them, at
this
 stage, to experience life and know what it is about.
Also
 as for them to get to know themselves and build their self-confidence; how can one do that when all they see is fake perfection? In conclusion, it is important for the youth to go out, meet people, and make healthy habits. As it will affect their future majorly- for the better or worse- being safe and increasing outdoor activities is better than being sorry later on.
Submitted by joumanabassam5 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: