Many people today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes? What are the solutions?

Taiwan

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Taiwan,

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our public security was great in the past, but nowadays it is not as good as in previous years, and some citizens feel that society is neither safe at home

Correct word choice

nor

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outdoors.

This

essay will discuss what are some of the possible causes and offer possible solutions. I believe that for some of the following reasons our safety was put in jeopardy.

Firstly

, video game addiction impacted teenagers deeply. Some video games are cruel and bloody, and

that

is impacting

Wrong verb form

impacts

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the

mind

Fix the agreement mistake

minds

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of people who play the games. Some gamers will confuse real life and game life, which causes them to be numb to pain and suffering.

Secondly

, employment status is

also

an issue.

For instance

, my uncle is jobless, and he does not have any income which makes him feel hungry and in poor mental health. Food is necessary for our bodies.

Hence

, when they do not have money to get what they need, start living a life of crime.

For example

, my friend Jack is unemployed and he was caught by the police, for stealing a loaf of bread from the supermarket when he was starving. There are several solutions to help the crime rate decrease. The first idea is to encourage your family and friends to do more outdoor activities to reduce their gaming time. To be honest, internet addicts find it difficult to control their gaming time, so they need help from others. Another idea is for the government to implement more schemes to help the unemployed find new work faster. Another example is Jason who was made redundant

last

month. He was worried about an income to feed his family,

however

Add a comma

however,

show examples

Correct your spelling

new

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now

Correct your spelling

new

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scheme backed by the government has helped him find a new position In conclusion, we read and hear about the increase

Change preposition

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crime in

news

Correct article usage

the news

show examples

, and we need to find out the causes and solutions to improve our families in the community

Submitted by gac7077 on Fri Sep 09 2022

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Task Response

Ensure that the essay addresses all parts of the question in depth, and make sure to present a clear and well-organized response to the task. Use specific examples and elaborate on the ideas presented.

Coherence and Cohesion

The logical structure is fair, with a clear introduction and conclusion, but some parts of the essay lack cohesion. Work on connecting ideas between paragraphs and use transition words to improve coherence.

Lexical Resource

The essay displays a good range of vocabulary, but there are instances of misuse and lack of precision. Strive for accuracy and fluency in expressing ideas, and avoid repetitive language.

Grammatical Range

The essay shows a fair range of grammatical structures and accurate use of tenses. However, be mindful of subject-verb agreement, sentence structure, and punctuation errors.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

322 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Many people today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes? What are the solutions?

Your opinion

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Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

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