IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Compared to the past, more younger adults take medications for degenerative diseases. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your answer

#adults #medications #diseases #support
In the current modernisation,
people
's style of life has drastically changed in comparison to the past, resulting in more younger adults
to take
Change the verb form
taking
show examples
 medications for degenerative
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I shall provide lucid examples and causes
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
such
 degradation of
health
. Long ago, most
people
 were working manual
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 which require much more effort and eventually,
people
 were much more dynamic and healthy. Nowadays,
people
 sit in an office where they feel more stressed and barely make movements,
thus
 resulting
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 poor
health
 and obesity.
Similarly
,
instead
 of walking,
people
 take their cars to drive short distances, definitively causing illnesses
such
 as cardiac, high cholesterol, diabetes and high blood pressure. We
unfortunately
Add the comma(s)
, unfortunately,
show examples
 observe that young
people
 have to take tabs earlier than they should.
Additionally
, the quality of
food
 products
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 of poor quality. There are more processed foods on the market which are rich in sugar, carbohydrates and grease.
People
 were eating more healthy
food
 long ago but nowadays, fast
food
 and restaurants are
opened
Replace the word
open
show examples
 mostly everywhere and
people
 are tempted to eat rich
food
 which are drivers of a complicated
health
 state.
Moreover
, meat and chicken are being grown with hormones and
likewise
, for vegetables, pesticides and artificial stimulants are added to them for rapid growth. All these factors are unfortunately deteriorating our
health
. In the past, children were playing in
Add an article
the garden
show examples
garden
Fix the agreement mistake
gardens
show examples
 and
running
Wrong verb form
ran
show examples
 in the neighbourhoods. But now, kids stay in their house, scotched to their
tablet
Fix the agreement mistake
tablets
show examples
 and smartphone, meanwhile, eating snacks which contain
food
colorant
Change the spelling
colourant
show examples
,salt and oil. Obviously, all these factors are worsening
people
's
health
. In conclusion, being realistic, young
people
's
health
 will continue to deteriorate as long their lifestyle does not change. The government should provide more facilities
such
 as
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 complex
should
Correct pronoun usage
that should
show examples
 be accessible to everyone freely.
Moreover
,
bio farming
Add a hyphen
bio-farming
show examples
 should be encouraged so that the products available to customers are healthy.
Submitted by amandachokupermal on

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