IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

with growing population in cities , more and more people live in a home with small or no outdoor areas. Is it positive or negative development.

#population #cities #people #home #areas #development
In
this
 contemporary era,
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 rate of each country is increasing swiftly;
therefore
, it created
demand
Add an article
a demand
the demand
show examples
 for residential houses.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 many individuals started to buy and live in accommodation with no open air spaces. In my perspective,
this
 trend triggers adverse
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on house owner's mental and physical
health
. To commence with,
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 and foremost reason drawback is
degradation
Add an article
the degradation
a degradation
show examples
 of physical
health
. As a
congusted
Correct your spelling
congested
 living area, one can not find enough space for exercise, which
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in major
health
 problems. To exemplify, a survey conducted by "
times
Capitalize word
Times
show examples
 of India" states that people residing in smaller
appartment
Correct your spelling
apartments
 with no
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
garden or playing area
near by
Correct your spelling
nearby
show examples
, are more prone to diseases related
cardiovascular
Change preposition
to cardiovascular
show examples
.
Thus
, the risk of getting high cholesterol, high blood pressure and heart attack is 30%
more
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
amongst
Change preposition
among
show examples
 them.
In addition
 to
this
, children
becomes
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 more vulnerable to anger and addiction of
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
 and
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
due to
 not having
area
Add an article
an area
show examples
 for outdoor activities.
Secondly
,
enclosed
Add an article
the enclosed
an enclosed
show examples
 house owner is more likely inclined to some
sorts
Fix the agreement mistake
sort
show examples
 of mental issues. In fact, little exposure to outside activity is necessary in order to maintain
peaceful
Correct article usage
a peaceful
show examples
 and relaxed mind.
For instance
, a recent research from
psychiatric
Add an article
the psychiatric
a psychiatric
show examples
 institute of India shows that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 spending at least
hour
Correct article usage
an hour
show examples
 jogging
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
show examples
 would improve
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
show examples
 mental
health
 and reduce chances of getting any psychological disorder by 40%.
Furthermore
,
Correct article usage
the congusted
show examples
congusted
Correct your spelling
congested
conducted
 space of
house
Add an article
the house
a house
show examples
, it makes a daunting task to invite guests
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 functions and one can not able to do arrangements for
stay
Correct article usage
a stay
show examples
. On
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
close scrutiny, it can be concluded that
home
Correct article usage
a home
show examples
 with no open space is responsible for
Correct article usage
the deteriorating
show examples
deteriorating
Replace the word
deterioration
show examples
 of
physical
Correct article usage
the physical
show examples
as well as
 mental condition of
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
,
hence
, affecting society negatively.
Submitted by adp14179 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: