IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. it would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports. d you agree or disagree

#children #computers #entertainment #time #sports
Nowadays,
children
 are addicted to electronic devices
such
 as
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 and mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
exteremly
Correct your spelling
extremely
. It is dangerous for their development process.According to me,
Correct your spelling
children
childeren
Correct your spelling
children
 is supposed to focus on outside
activities
 like playing
sports
.Two essential
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors
show examples
 push me to think like these.One of them is that
children
 those making sport have
sucsesful
Correct your spelling
successful
acedemic
Correct your spelling
academic
life
.
Secondly
, making sport improve
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 self-esteem directly in their daily
life
. There are different
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
metod
Correct your spelling
method
theachers
Correct your spelling
teachers
 apply to raise their
students
Change noun form
student's
students'
show examples
sucsess
Correct your spelling
success
such
 as making
litlle
Correct your spelling
little
quiz
Fix the agreement mistake
quizzes
show examples
 regularly or
encouaging
Correct your spelling
encouraging
 their
students
 to reading
a books
Correct the article-noun agreement
books
a book
show examples
... Of
course
Add a comma
,course
show examples
 those
activities
 are
Correct your spelling
necessary
neccesary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for
students
acedemic
Correct your spelling
academic
Correct your spelling
life
lives
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
. But there are not enough for
sucsess
Correct your spelling
success
. Surveys done show us,
sports
activities
 have powerful and
unbeliaveble
Correct your spelling
unbelievable
 impact over
students
 school
sucsess
Correct your spelling
success
.
Instead
 of spending their free time
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing computer games,
students
 should be directed outside
sports
Correct your spelling
activities
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
. During to course of my
sister
Change noun form
sister's
show examples
Correct your spelling
childhood
chilhood
Correct your spelling
childhood
, I push her to
playing
Change the verb form
play
show examples
Correct your spelling
volleyball
voleyball
Correct your spelling
volleyball
.
As
Change preposition
With
show examples
 the
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
, she adapts herself to playing
Correct your spelling
volleyball
voleyball
Correct your spelling
volleyball
. One
years
Change to a singular noun
year
show examples
 later, we used to get positive feedback from her
theachers
Correct your spelling
teachers
.
Curiosly
Correct your spelling
Curiously
 enough, sport makes
amazing
Add an article
an amazing
show examples
 difference
over
Change preposition
in
show examples
 my
sister
Change noun form
sister's
show examples
Correct your spelling
academic
acedemic
Correct your spelling
academic
life
. With the commence of
thecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
 age, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Add an article
the teenager
show examples
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
 lost their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 in front of the computer or phone. It causes limited social connection and friendship
life
. When they go to
social
Add an article
the social
show examples
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
, they do not know how they
Correct your spelling
should
shoul
Correct your spelling
should
 behave.It drops out their
self esteem
Add a hyphen
self-esteem
show examples
.
Absence
Correct article usage
The absence
show examples
 of social bound
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 may lead them
Correct your spelling
depression
Change preposition
to depresssion
show examples
depresssion
Correct your spelling
depression
. To prevent those
Correct your spelling
scenarios
senior
senarios
Correct your spelling
scenarios
 parents should take
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 and direct their
Correct your spelling
children's
children
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 outside sportive
activities
. Especially, generation X
spend
Change the verb form
spends
show examples
 most of their
Correct your spelling
childhood
chilhood
Correct your spelling
childhood
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 at outside
sports
.It is clear that these opportunities play
important
Add an article
an important
show examples
 role
over
Change preposition
in
show examples
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 development of self-confidence process.
That is
 the reason why they called
key
Add an article
the key
a key
show examples
 locked
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
. Generation x
keep
Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
show examples
home's
Change noun form
home
show examples
 keys on their packets.After
turn
Change the verb form
turning
show examples
 back
home
 from outside
activities
 they used to get
home
 on their own even
their
Correct word choice
though their
show examples
 parents do not stay
home
.Even they manage domestic
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 after outside sportive
activities
:)
As a result
, without any doubt,
children
 have
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
support for sportive
Correct your spelling
activities
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
.It helps them to increase their academic
sucsess
Correct your spelling
success
 and self-confidence.
Submitted by 0beyzakaplan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: