IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #control #amount #violence #films #television #decrease #crimes #society
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The
crime
 rates are increasing and it is argued that limiting the action
movies
 by the government media will decrease the number in our surroundings.
This
 essay disagrees with the mentioned statement because until the strong punishment
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
 are not imposed by the government
such
 acts can not be lowered down and watching screens with everyone builds up unity with each other. The main reason for the increase in the
crime
 rate is a weak punishment system. The
crime
 rate will be on the mountain when the criminals would know no action will be taken against them and
this
 will always encourage them to have multiple violent attempts as much as possible.To be more precise, films and television are just one way of providing them with examples of various attempts,
whereas
such
 attempts are readily available on different social media platforms.
For example
, In the UAE, a wide variety of
movies
 are shown in cinemas, but their
crime
 rates are very low because they have strict punishments to cut off criminals' hands when caught.
Moreover
, watching
movies
 with friends and
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
 unites each other. It is considered to be a special time by the social members of the same group who
sits
Correct subject-verb agreement
sit
show examples
together with
 popcorn, and snacks and
enjoys
Correct subject-verb agreement
enjoy
show examples
this
 time, as a ,result it builds up harmony, joy and unity among each other.
Therefore
 limits imposed by our leaders would take away
this
 platform of uniting the population of society together.
As controlling
Correct word choice
Controlling
show examples
movies
 would affect the quality of the storyline.
For instance
, in our housing area, once a month a family movie is screened which everyone in our surroundings enjoys watching. In conclusion, the limitation of violent action displayed on our screens would not create any effect in the communities until strict punishment is introduced and watching
movies
 together is one of the platforms which actually unites people
together
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
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coherence and cohesion
In the introduction, provide a clear thesis statement that directly addresses the issue presented in the prompt. Ensure that each paragraph is focused on a central idea, and use transition words to connect them for better coherence.
task response
Expand on the reasons why a weak punishment system contributes to the increase in crime rate. Provide specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. Develop your ideas more thoroughly to strengthen the argumentative structure of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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