Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are most successful. Others think that those who contribute to society like scientists and teachers are most successful. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
In the current situation, some
people
assert that people
with significant wealth are the most outstanding, while
others claim that people
who contribute to society are also
remarkable. In my opinion, both perspectives are reasonable to some extent. The essay will discuss 2 opinions and state the writer's viewpoint.
On the one hand, the world is becoming materialistic in recent years. For one thing, individuals have a tendency to place money and fortune above other things. As the community concentrates only on wealth and prosperity, billionaires are considered successful individuals in society. In addition
, famous individuals, such
as celebrities or well-known businessmen, often appear to be generous and luxurious. This
phenomenon creates an expectation in people
's minds that those people
are an ideal symbol of success.
On the other hand
, scientists and lecturers also
play a crucial role in the current circumstances. First and foremost, teachers provide education for children, who will be the owner
of the future world. Without a teacher's guidance, ordinary kids will be able to learn literacy and numeracy skills. Fix the agreement mistake
owners
Consequently
, they would not have the capability to complete any tasks or assignments. Second,
scientists are the ones who drive the innovation of humankind. Discovering and fabricating new products, such
as new medicines, and materials can change the whole industry. To illustrate, the research and manufacturing of the COVID-19 vaccine have saved numerous residents from being infected.
In conclusion, I believe that determining people
who are successful requires a lot of consideration. It must be based on the observer's viewpoint and also
surrounding factors. However
, I recommend both types of people
, regardless of any discipline, should unite together to support the development of mankind.Submitted by sadohpv4 on
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Introduction & Conclusion
While your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, the introduction could be enhanced by providing a clearer thesis statement. The conclusion successfully restates your views but needs to summarize the main points discussed more succinctly to reinforce your argument. Ensure that both are directly addressing the task prompt.
Paragraphing & Linking
Your essay demonstrates a cohesive structure, but the development of paragraphs could be improved. Aim to have a clear topic sentence for each paragraph and more varied transitions and connectors to guide the reader through your ideas smoothly.
Task Response
Your essay addresses the task, includes relevant ideas, and presents examples. However, the examples used could be more specific and directly linked to the argument you are making. Additionally, ensure that there is a clear position throughout the entire essay, which was somewhat unclear at times.
Lexical Resource
There is room for improvement in your use of vocabulary. Aim for precision and variety in your choice of words, and avoid repetition. Use synonyms and less common vocabulary to demonstrate a wider lexical range.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy
Your essay exhibits a reasonable range of grammatical structures, yet there are occasional errors that can sometimes cause confusion. To achieve a higher score, practice using a variety of complex sentence structures and ensure correct punctuation and agreement.