IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that family life and parents have great influence on children’s development, while others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children’s life. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It is true that certain folks around the world believe that the life of the family has a huge crash on young generations' development,
whereas
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 others argue that the outside environment has a crucial
important
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influence on a child's life. In my view, the community's situation has a vital brunt. The impending essay will discuss both sides with a logical conclusion. There are many reasons that a child's improvement depends on a family's activity. To start with, a father may contribute to his son learning academic skills which are significantly important in life leading them to teach knowledge and good behaviour.
As a result
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, those children
that
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who
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 spend days with their families have a better moment on earth.
For example
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,
this
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 has been evidenced by a recent survey conducted by the University of Toronto over the past 20 years, 55% of successful students were learned by their fathers.
On the other hand
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, there are some individuals that claim communities' environment improves young people better than parents. To start with, an overwhelming of boys learning in educational places leads to a significant increase in their understanding causing them to develop character in a good way.
Additionally
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, society
also
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 helps them to grow in a perfect way because of spending years with other communities which in turn leads to a dramatic influence on improvement in their physical and mental health
of
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them
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; resulting in the probability of performance increased dramatically.
For instance
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, if a person spends a moment with a good person in society, he will have a similar character which is one of the main reasons development of the young generation.
To conclude
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,
However
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, some public thinks that parents' lifestyle has more strike on children's growth
while
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 others argue that society has an excessive touch. From my point of view, outside situations are of vital importance in the growth of children.

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task response
Improve task response by clearly presenting both views and expressing a clear personal opinion. Ensure that the examples provided are relevant and support the main points.
coherence and cohesion
Work on coherence and cohesion by structuring the essay more logically and ensuring the introduction and conclusion are clearly presented. Use appropriate transitions to connect ideas and support the flow of the essay.
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