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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #universities #factors
There are some controversial perspectives heating a debate over how to gain high achievements in life.
While
 some claim that getting access to tertiary education acts as the sole contribution to the fruitfulness of
people
, the opposite makes a statement that there are formidable influences to gain it.
While
 each has its own perks, I would contend that it is optimal to combine both mentioned aspects. Without a shadow of a doubt, digesting theoretical valuable knowledge at an institution should put a premium on
people
’s high accomplishment but not a sole method.
The college’s
Correct article usage
College’s
show examples
 degrees will give
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
assistance to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
recruited
to
Change preposition
by
show examples
 some leading companies which can facilitate
people
 to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
For example
,
:
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
there are some prevalent enterprises
such
 as
vingroup
Change the capitalization
Vingroup
ingroup
show examples
 which are prone to choose
people
 having a degree from a
top
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
rank school in Vietnam namely NEU,
Correct word choice
and FTU
show examples
FTU
Correct word choice
and FTU
show examples
.
While
 the redeeming features of being accessible to academia
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 widely acknowledged , becoming a high-achiever relies on other elements, especially
skills
 .
This
 may probably be because the better soft
skills
 are, the more productive
people
 work so they can create more valuable contributions to firms.
time-management
Correct your spelling
time management
show examples
, communication and teamwork
skills
 can be cited as some of the most outstanding examples because it is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
necessity
Replace the word
necessary
show examples
 to make profit expansion for corporations in a short period of time.
Thus
,
people
’s success depends on other influential effects, especially soft
skills
. In conclusion,
although
 digesting precious insights
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
 a vital role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
’s high achievement, it
also
bases
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
 on other factors
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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coherence cohesion
It is essential to structure the essay logically with clear progression between ideas. In the essay, transitions between some points could be smoother. Using cohesive devices effectively is key to a higher score.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion should clearly present your thesis and summarise your argument. Your essay does so but could benefit from a more direct statement of your stance in the introduction and a more concise and powerful conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Main points should be developed and supported with specific details and examples. Work on tying your arguments back to the main question more closely, and providing concrete examples to illustrate your points. Vague statements and generalisations must be avoided for you to achieve a higher score.
task achievement
All parts of the task should be addressed with relevant, extended and supported ideas. Your essay tangentially touches on most aspects of the question but needs more development and specificity to meet the task requirements more fully.
task achievement
Ideas should be clear and explained comprehensively, with relevant detail. Ensure every paragraph explores a unique idea related to the prompt and that the idea is broken down comprehensively.
task achievement
Utilise relevant, specific examples to support the ideas presented; avoid hypotheticals and strive for real-world or personal instances that clearly relate to the topic. This will add authenticity and weight to your arguments and is crucial for a higher band score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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