IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #universities #factors
There are some controversial perspectives heating a debate over how to gain high achievements in life.
While
 some claim that getting access to tertiary education acts as the sole contribution to the fruitfulness of
people
, the opposite makes a statement that there are formidable influences to gain it.
While
 each has its own perks, I would contend that it is optimal to combine both mentioned aspects. Without a shadow of a doubt, digesting theoretical valuable knowledge at an institution should put a premium on
people
’s high accomplishment but not a sole method.
The college’s
Correct article usage
College’s
show examples
 degrees will give
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
assistance to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
recruited
to
Change preposition
by
show examples
 some leading companies which can facilitate
people
 to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
For example
,
:
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
there are some prevalent enterprises
such
 as vingroup which are prone to choose
people
 having a degree from a
top
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
rank school in Vietnam namely NEU,
FTU
Correct word choice
and FTU
show examples
.
While
 the redeeming features of being accessible to academia
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 widely acknowledged , becoming a high-achiever relies on other elements, especially
skills
 .
This
 may probably be because the better soft
skills
 are, the more productive
people
 work so they can create more valuable contributions to firms.
time-management
Correct your spelling
Time management
show examples
, communication and teamwork
skills
 can be cited as some of the most outstanding examples because it is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
necessity
Replace the word
necessary
show examples
 to make profit expansion for corporations in a short period of time.
Thus
,
people
’s success depends on other influential effects, especially soft
skills
. In conclusion,
although
 digesting precious insights
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
 a vital role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
’s high achievement, it
also
bases
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
 on other factors
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a basic understanding of the logical structure, yet transitions between ideas could be smoother. To improve, employ a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure each paragraph flows logically into the next.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be more clearly defined. Make your thesis statement more distinct, and ensure your conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
While you do support your main points, the supporting details could be further developed. Use more varied and detailed examples to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You have addressed the task but have not fully developed all parts of the prompt. Ensure you answer the question fully by discussing both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view, and stating your own opinion clearly.
task achievement
Your essay contains clear ideas; however, to enhance clarity and ensure comprehensiveness, make certain to explore each point thoroughly before introducing new information.
task achievement
You have used some examples, but they are not specific enough to effectively illustrate your points. Include more pertinent and illustrative examples to reinforce your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: