IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

These days older people who have retired often choose to spend money on them. For example on holiday, rather than save money for their children. Is this a positive or negative development

#people #money #holiday #children #development
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Nowadays, it is common practice for retirees to use all their funds for
enjoyment
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instead
Linking Words
 of saving and leaving and leaving an inheritance for their offspring. I think
this
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 is a positive development because it allows elderly
people
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 to enjoy the reward of their labour and
also
Linking Words
 instils the habit of hard
work
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 in young folks. One reason why the aged should expend money on things that will benefit them is to allow for the
enjoyment
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 of all the hard
work
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 they have done earlier in life.
In other words
Linking Words
, most individuals do not have time for
holidays
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 during their active
work
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 years, so all the monies saved from these long years of
work
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 should be spent on
holidays
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, trips and other activities that bring happiness to them when they retire.
For example
Linking Words
, old
people
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 going on
holidays
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 will keep them busy and
further
Linking Words
 improve their quality of life. Another plus point why elderly ones should use their pension for
enjoyment
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 is because it serves as a means of encouragement to young
people
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 to imbibe the habit of hard
work
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.
This
Linking Words
 form of
enjoyment
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 in old age becomes a motivation for those who are young and still in active service to enable them to put in their best at
work
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.
As
Correct word choice
Holidays
show examples
holidays
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 and travelling around the world become a gratification to those who
work
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 and save money in their early years.
For instance
Linking Words
, these
holidays
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 reinforce the positive value of hard
work
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 in the youth. In conclusion, I think the elderly should spend money on things that make them happy
instead
Linking Words
 of setting the finances aside for children.
This
Linking Words
 is because the
enjoyment
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 is a reward for their Labour and it
also
Linking Words
 encourages young
people
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 to
work
Use synonyms
 hard.
Submitted by beansola on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic and provides a clear opinion. However, the support for the opinion is limited and lacks depth. More specific examples and detailed explanations would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the development of ideas is somewhat repetitive, and the use of cohesive devices could be improved to better link ideas within and between sentences.
lexical resource
The range of vocabulary is fairly limited, with some noticeable repetition of words and phrases. More varied and precise vocabulary would enhance the quality of the writing.
grammatical range
While the essay demonstrates control of basic grammatical structures, there are some errors and awkward phrasing that affect the overall coherence and clarity. Pay attention to sentence structure and use of complex grammar to improve the range and accuracy of language.
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