IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say history is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that subjects like science and technology are more important than history today. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #history #school #subjects #science #technology
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These days the most important subjects are
science
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 and
technology
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courses
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. Many
people
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 believe that
courses
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 related to
history
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 should proposed in schools more.
In contrast
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, others argue that
science
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 and
technology
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 in the modern world have a vital role than
history
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 in students'
future
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. I agree with the latter because the universe is moving towards development, and
people
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 should adapt themselves to these improvements. On the one hand, some
people
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 establish
courses
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 related to
history
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 because learning from the past can benefit the present and
future
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. Searching
history
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 made me realize how
people
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 lived and found various information about cultures and traditions.
For instance
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, a traditional dance in my culture was given to us by our ancestors, and it is about unity among men and women.
Moreover
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, searching in the past can illustrate the importance of fighters' sacrifices because we would not have these lands today if they did not fight.
On the other hand
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, in the modern globe, one of the most important majors in
science
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 and
technology
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 in all aspects of individuals' lives,
such
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 as medicine and industry. Children deal with
technology
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 from their childhood.
Hence
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, it is important to allocate time in the daily curriculum,
as well as
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 it will be vital for their
future
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 lives, bringing convenience and comfort.
For instance
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, studying in
science
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courses
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such
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 as software
science
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 creates more job opportunities for graduates in the
future
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. In conclusion,
history
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 plays a key role in learning from the past, but words move towards
science
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 and
technology
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, which will play a significant role in
people
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's lives.
Submitted by Pegahghaderi85 on

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task response
To improve your essay, make sure to have a clear thesis statement in your introduction. This will guide your reader through your argument and make your position clear from the beginning.
task response
Expand on your ideas by providing more detailed examples. While you mentioned the importance of traditional dances and sacrifices of fighters, more depth or additional examples could enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your essay with clear, distinct paragraphs for each main point. Begin paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the point you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
For better cohesion, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. This will help your essay to flow more naturally and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
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