IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

many people believe that mobile phone cause more harms than benefits. to what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #phone
Nowadays, a lot of people think that the excessive usage of cell phones is causing more demerits
rather
Rephrase
apply
show examples
than merits.,
however
 I believe
otherwise
 because it all depends on how we use it, surely there are a lot of disadvantages like addiction and access to inappropriate content,but, no one can deny the fact that technology has brought us closer and it has provided ease in our daily life and work.I will prove my point
further
 in the essay. On the one hand,talking about the procs of using mobile phones,they are definitely enormous, in terms of communication,
for example
,a person sitting seven seas across can talk to his family and friends in a blink of an eye,
moreover
, many people are running their online business through many social media apps which they can access easily through mobile phone wherever they are.,
furthermore
,many companies have introduced important apps these days through which we can order online groceries and can do shopping through our online bank account without going out,
this
 was not possible without a mobile phone because nobody has time to open up computer or laptop.
On the other hand
, there are plenty of cons to taking into consideration,
firstly
,a person can become addicted to it
due to
 excessive use,
for instance
,many young kids own a cell phone these days and they are not performing well in school
due to
 its playing too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 games and seeing films and other stuff,
secondly
 ,unfortunately, our young generation is
also
 prone to risky and explicit stuff
that is
 available in just a few clicks.
To conclude
,
although
 mobile phones have taken over our lives in terms of both good and bad effects,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
, I would disagree with the notion that it is harming our society,because,in terms of long-distance relationships and an easy lifestyle we are
also
 enjoying their benefits to the fullest.
Submitted by m.bano57 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make sure to fully address the task question and provide a clear opinion. Include relevant examples and focus on both the benefits and harms of mobile phones.
coherence and cohesion
Create a clear and coherent structure in your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Use linking words and appropriate transitions to connect ideas and paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: