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Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
It is hard to deny that higher
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 of sugary
products
 can discourage
people
 to consume
sugar
, preventing
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
many
health
 diseases. And
such
 a fact leads impressionable
people
 to generate the opinion that sugary
products
 should be made more expensive.
However
such
 a statement suffers from both logical and factual fallacies, and it should be examined meticulously. As far as
health
, feasibility, and
economic
Replace the word
economics
show examples
 are concerned, I strongly disagree with the point that sugary
products
 should be made more expensive to keep
people
 away from
sugar
.
First
 and foremost, too much consumption of
sugar
 truly cause numerous disease like diabetes, but so do
other element
Change the wording
another element
other elements
show examples
,
such
 as salt, spicy and so on. To be more specific, the consumption of
sugar
, salt and even water
all
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should be controlled moderately according to
experts’ words
Change noun form
experts
show examples
.
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
show examples
Further more
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
show examples
, whether a person would suffer from a kind of disease depends on several aspects including his own body conditions.
Therefore
, how dare we accuse only sugary
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 of causing
health
 problems and raise
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
price
?
Secondly
, the fact that
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
price
 of
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
, which
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not prevent
people
 from purchasing
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, indicates that it is no use to
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 sugary
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 more expensive. Take the case of the cigarette tax, which significantly
raise
Correct subject-verb agreement
raises
show examples
the
Change the word
its
show examples
price
 of it.
As a result
, there is no influence on smoking lovers, who have regarded
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
 as
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 best friends. The feasibility of
policy
Correct article usage
the policy
show examples
 is
Correct your spelling
quite
show examples
quiet
Correct your spelling
quite
show examples
 low.
Nevertheless
, a voice arises that
higher
Correct article usage
the higher
show examples
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 of sugary
products
 can discourage
people
 to consume
sugar
, preventing
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
many
health
 diseases. The action will benefit each person. Ironically, the manufacturers and
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 employees suffer pain
from
Change preposition
as
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 result of
high
Add an article
the high
show examples
price
 of
sugary
Add an article
the sugary
show examples
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
. The rate of employment and local
economic
Replace the word
economy
show examples
 would have a poor performance
then
. In the
nutshell
Add a comma
,nutshell
show examples
 I maintain that sugary
products
 should not be made more expensive. Admittedly, just as the saying goes, as long as the reason of man continues
fallible
Change preposition
to fallible
show examples
, different opinions will be formed, and some
people
 may oppose me.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 I believe they will compromise after being exposed to my article.
Submitted by chengx on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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