IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Advertisments of snacks and toys have a great impact on children and their parents. So, the advertisement to children should be banned. Do you agree or disagree.

#advertisments #snacks #toys #impact #children #parents #advertisement
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 present world, the promotion of
snacks
Use synonyms
 and
toys
Use synonyms
 has a huge influence on families.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 action should not be allowed by the authority. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea: because children might get unhealthy and fat by consuming junk food, and some kinds of
toys
Use synonyms
 could affect scion and their attitudes.
Firstly
Linking Words
, recent studies show that consuming unhealthy
snacks
Use synonyms
 might cause obesity in children.
For example
Linking Words
, one of the prospective studies that worked on an age group between 3 and 5 years old illustrates a high correlation between the amount of chocolate consumed and obesity rates.
Although
Linking Words
 chocolate is categorized as healthy food,
this
Linking Words
 result is very alarming. So,
this
Linking Words
 will prove to us how
snacks
Use synonyms
 can be perilous even if they seem harmless.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the marketing strategies of big companies have enlarged their portfolio of barbaric
toys
Use synonyms
 day by day.
As a result
Linking Words
 of that, the more
daughter
Fix the agreement mistake
daughters
show examples
 or sons have these
toys
Use synonyms
, the more fights and injury rates are increasing on the playgrounds.
For instance
Linking Words
, there was only a single type of soldier and sword on toyshops’ shelves ten years ago, now there are plenty of them and
additionally
Linking Words
 bombs, warriors, tanks, and guns. Sadly, kids start fighting as soon as they get them in the shops.
Consequently
Linking Words
, these kinds of issues may corrupt the offspring’s character and improvement. To summarize, the possibility of fatness and illness may rise by consuming grub, and dangerous types of
toys
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 may have a bad influence on kids. Because of
this
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 or authorities have to restrict advertisements about
toys
Use synonyms
 and grub. It is predicted that
snacks
Use synonyms
 can be risky and children’s growth may be affected by
toys
Use synonyms
 simply.
Submitted by dctr_green_east on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

extended
Task Response: The essay addresses the given topic but does not provide a strong, focused argument. The response lacks depth and could benefit from providing a more detailed analysis of the impact of snack and toy advertisements on children and parents.
extended
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a logical structure and presents a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the development of ideas and supporting examples could be more cohesive, with stronger connections between the main points and the overall argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: