IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe that by killing someone society is also making a crime, so, that why death penalty should be forbidden. Life in prison would be a better punishment. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #someone #society #crime #death #penalty #life #prison #punishment
These days,
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
whereas
, the
people
 living have been developing, but the rate of crimes is climbing;
as a result
, governments kill
people
 who do it, but a group of
people
 believe that when society kills one person for an offence. In fact, the population making crime too, yet the best way for these kinds of
people
 is to live in prison. I subscribe to
this
 idea because
people
 who are not good can be changed and family of these inhabitants can see them. On the one hand,
people
 who commit an offence can change their behaviour;
therefore
, we can use these populations to fill the job position.
In other words
, authorities can change these kinds of
people
 ,most of whom do not have college graduations by books, officer behaviour and other works;
then
 use these
people
 for different parts of countries for working
instead
 of observing the migration from other districts. To illustrate,
people
 who are in jail in Brazil must study books and when they can finish the number of books they can go out of
this
 place;
moreover
, these kinds of communities are not following crimes for the second time.
On the other hand
, when the law does not kill
people
 who are in prison,
then
 they can see their family;
hence
, the children of these persons not only do not make an offence(
due to
 the fact they can see they are a real guide and a result of doing these works) but
also
 they can see our parents
instead
 of their photos.
To conclude
, what is crucial is that doing work can help society to improve its manner, so killing the person who is committing a crime is not a good way;
nevertheless
, prisons are the best place for
this
 evidence.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic and attempts to support it with relevant arguments and examples. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that make some sentences difficult to understand. Try to avoid excessive punctuation and run-on sentences. Additionally, make sure to clearly state your main points and sustain them throughout your paragraphs with coherent linkage.
coherence cohesion
While the essay does contain an introduction and a conclusion, the logical structure needs improvement. The ideas sometimes feel disjointed, and transitions between them could be smoother. Focus on enhancing the flow of your arguments. Consider breaking down complex sentences and using more transitional phrases to guide the reader.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the Brazil model where prisoners study and change their behavior, which adds practical support to your argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly sets up the discussion by stating the differing viewpoints on the death penalty and life imprisonment.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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