IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many argue that young people who commit serious crimes, such as robbery or violent attacks should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #robbery #attacks #adults
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There are increasing debates about whether a young person who committed terrible
crimes
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as murder or abuse should be punished
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the same level as an adult criminal. Some people believe that adolescents should be treated as same as adults if they have committed serious
crimes
Use synonyms
 while others think that we should be more focused on rehabilitation and help them reintegrate back into society. I strongly agree that governments should introduce specific laws to regulate juvenile delinquency and let them learn about the consequence of their
behaviour
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, research shows crime rates of young people are highly related to their background and their educational levels. If a person grew up in an
unproper
Correct your spelling
improper
 environment and was not taught and supported by their parents and teachers, he/she is more likely to conduct
crimes
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is not fair to execute the same punishment as adults against these young criminals.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, as a child living in a modern world, our lives are considerably affected by celebrities and social media. Numerous information that we can search through
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 encourages adolescents to follow the trend and imitate others’
behaviour
Use synonyms
. Some young people
then
Linking Words
 become unaware of their illegal
behaviour
Use synonyms
 since they only consider it
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a funny thing to do. We can not blame them for
this
Linking Words
 because they are just affected by the world which is established by adults. In conclusion, I believe that a young
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
 should
also
Linking Words
 be punished after committing serious
crimes
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, it is more important for us to focus on the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 these kinds of
behaviour
Use synonyms
 and give them a
second
Linking Words
 chance by teaching them morals and ethics.
Submitted by a0402115 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: