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Band 7.5

I.Currently, an increasing number of people compete with young people for the same jobs. What problems do this cause? What are the possible solutions for this?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
Recently, heightened competition between
age
Use synonyms
 groups for jobs has led to the early retirement of capable senior
employees
Use synonyms
 and the demoralization of younger
job
Use synonyms
 seekers. To mitigate these issues, creating mentoring roles for older
workers
Use synonyms
 and implementing systems to provide information on current
job
Use synonyms
 distributions are effective strategies.
Body paragraph 1
First,
Linking Words
intense
job
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 market competition leads to the underutilization of skilled senior
workers
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 and potential young
employees
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, demotivating young
job
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 seekers. Early retirements among capable senior
workers
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 are increasing because of insufficient
job
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 openings for
this
Linking Words
age
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 group, which demotivates young people, as they see senior
workers
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 retiring solely based on
age
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.
For instance
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, in Japanese IT companies, lifetime employment often forces companies to choose between early retirement or promotion for senior
employees
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 reaching a certain
age
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. These decisions are typically not based on clear standards, resulting in the premature departure of valuable
workers
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, which demotivates younger
employees
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 who witness the unjust
job
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 losses of their superiors.
Body paragraph 2
Second,
Linking Words
these issues arise
due to
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 a shortage of positions to accommodate
workers
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;
thus
Linking Words
, new roles should be created, particularly those focused on educating and training junior
employees
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.
Additionally
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, providing young undergraduates with accurate
job
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 distribution data and government-backed
job
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 assurances before they enter the
job
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 market would positively impact various companies and
workers
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 across generations.
For example
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,
whereas
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 Indian system engineers are globally recognized for their skills, few work in Japan despite the growing demand for system engineers there. Advertising
job
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 offers internationally will help skilled engineers secure employment.
Conclusion
Finally
Linking Words
, in conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are many
job
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 losers and
job
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 refugees because of severe
job
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-achieving competition, these problems can be solved by the education system for fresh
workers
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 and proper advertisement for
job
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 seekers in the future.

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task achievement
You have provided a comprehensive response to the task, addressing both the problems and possible solutions effectively. However, ensure that each idea is consistently developed with more specific examples to strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
While the essay follows a logical structure, more explicit topic sentences and clear transitions between paragraphs will enhance coherence. This will ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next.
coherence cohesion
Your essay does a good job of presenting a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
task achievement
You have effectively supported your main points with relevant examples, particularly the references to Japanese and Indian job markets.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Unfulfilling job
  • Mental health
  • Physical health
  • Financial stability
  • Job security
  • Societal norms
  • Career choices
  • Pursuing passion
  • Practicality
  • Personal growth
  • Skill development
  • Self-esteem
  • Social status
  • Work-life balance
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