Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth that for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people

These days, famous people show their glamorous life with lots of money, expensive cars, and huge houses

instead

of showing how to accomplish a goal and get rich in the real world.

Accordingly

, it could be worse for minors to follow the celebrity and think that they have attained riches using Instagram or other platforms. In my opinion, I totally agree that it could affect negatively for young generation.

Change preposition

This

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this

essay will be discussed the agreement with the topic.

First

and foremost, young people could think that money could be gotten only via professions

such

as blogging, streaming, and so on.

In addition

, there is no need to try to become a straight-A student, earn a scholarship, and finish the university of your dream. So, they would think that occupations like software engineering and other important majors would not be as highly paid as vlogging. Whereas, real majors could bring a huge amount of money and a multitude of possibilities.

For example

, programmers earn one hundred thousand dollars per year on average

in addition

to good insurance, stocks, and gym coverage.

Secondly

, a blogger could show a life he does not live at all via collaborations and the support of other bloggers. Nowadays, we follow a multitude of bloggers who spend time as millionaires.

In addition

, they could publish some interesting stories that do not belong to them.

For instance

, a vlogger has seen that someone had made a gift to a friend.

Thus

, she took some photos with the gift and published them in spite of the surprise was not made to her. To conclude, individuals, especially youth, believe the people they are subscribed to.

Consequently

, Instagram and other social media usually share a colourful part of life, children have to filter the information they are consuming.

Also

, they should not think that the goal could be accomplished without challenges.

Submitted by Allazhar on Sun Oct 30 2022

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12Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

312 words

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

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Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

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Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 9.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

glamour
wealth
achievements
portrayed
overshadow
influenced
lifestyles
unrealistic
expectations
values
promoting
hard work
perseverance
inspire
positive impact

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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth that for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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