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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would be little effects on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effects #measures
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While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that building more
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 is the most effective approach to
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 residents’
health
Use synonyms
, others argue that
this
Linking Words
has
Verb problem
does
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 not
many
Add a missing verb
have many
show examples
 positive effects on public
health
Use synonyms
 and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 other measures. Personally, it seems to me that citizens could gain undeniable advantages from exercising at public
sports
Use synonyms
 places but other measures
also
Linking Words
 play an integral role in public
health
Use synonyms
 improvement. On the one hand, because prevention is better than cure, constructing
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public places is a useful way to prevent citizens from diseases.
This
Linking Words
 makes not only physical but
also
Linking Words
 mental
health
Use synonyms
 better since those places attract many
people
Use synonyms
come
Fix the infinitive
to come
show examples
 and train together.
Sports
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facilities
Use synonyms
, especially
located
Correct pronoun usage
those located
show examples
 in public spaces will inspire residents, even children and the elderly to exercise.
Besides
Linking Words
 exercising physically together, citizens may share common things in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as mutual interests which bring them closer and recover their spirit after long working days.
For example
Linking Words
, after witnessing an upward trend in the number of
people
Use synonyms
 participating
Use synonyms
sports
Change preposition
in sports
show examples
 games
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public spaces, Thailand recorded a significant reduction in the number of patients in hospitals to be treated by psychological therapy.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 system and educational methods are making outstanding contributions to protecting public
health
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, modern hospital
facilities
Use synonyms
 which
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 is taking into account ensure patients’ peace of mind to be cured in case of suffering diseases.
In addition
Linking Words
, periodic
health
Use synonyms
 checks organized by public hospitals help
people
Use synonyms
 diagnose potential risks of diseases and find helpful treatments in an early manner.
Lastly
Linking Words
, educational methods raise resident’s awareness
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
process
Correct article usage
the process
show examples
 of disease prevention and
health
Use synonyms
 promotion which enable
people
Use synonyms
 to increase control over their
health
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, public
health
Use synonyms
 is protected actively by residents’ medical knowledge. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 certainly improve public
health
Use synonyms
, I do believe that other measures need to be invested in order to bring more
medically
Change the word
medical
show examples
 mental and physical benefits to residents.
Submitted by jannatulferdous2011 on

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Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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