IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people believe that the increase presence of violence in films and television these days is responsible for rising incident of violent crimes among youth society. They argue that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this arguments

Youth
violence
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 is a shared social problem. Many
people
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thus
Linking Words
 propose that governments must tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue by controlling the media, which
people
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 see as responsible for inciting
this
Linking Words
violence
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 through films and television.
While
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 external influences undoubtedly sway youth, I disagree that a government must censor the entertainment industry;
instead
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, it is up to
society
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 to handle the matter. Today’s young
people
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 may be influenced by many things, from films to websites to their peers. It is unreasonable
Linking Words
then
Punctuation problem
, then
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to
Punctuation problem
, to
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 single out movies and sitcoms as the prominent influencers of
violence
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.
In other words
Linking Words
, kids may see
violence
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 and kindness, greed and generosity, and all other human behaviours in pretty equal measure everywhere. They can witness all of these things in one news broadcast or viral
Youtube
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YouTube
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 clip just as quickly as they can in an action flick.
Therefore
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, blaming the entertainment industry is unfair and wrong
Punctuation problem
, in
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in
Change preposition
as
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also
Linking Words
ignoring
Wrong verb form
ignores
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bad
Correct article usage
the bad
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in
Change preposition
apply
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that
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 ignores the root causes of specific social behaviours. To suggest that the government can control
this
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 is to avoid taking responsibility for ourselves. Indeed, a government’s role is not to act as parents to its citizens but
maintain
Verb problem
to maintain
show examples
 order and provide the tools for
society
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 to thrive; it should not tell
people
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 what they can and cannot do.
On the other hand
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, parents can and must oversee what their children are exposed to, be it online, in a movie,
Correct article usage
a
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book, or in any other source.
Consequently
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, parents must decide whether they want their children to watch a horror film. It is not for governments to ban studies from
making
Verb problem
being
show examples
 it.
Furthermore
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, once we allow the government to use censorship in one area, it will be free to act in all spheres of our lives because negative influences are everywhere and have always been so. Restricting
people
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’s access to media will not stop the
violence
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. It may increase as citizens begin to fight for their freedoms. In conclusion, social behaviour patterns are impacted by many things, including, but not limited to, media products and
society
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 should take control of
this
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. Governments should not be allowed to restrict what film or TV companies produce because they will
then
Linking Words
 have to spread their power to all areas of
society
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to fully develop all your main points with examples.
coherence and cohesion
Use connecting words to help with the flow between ideas.
overall impression
Strong introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position.
coherence and cohesion
Good logical structure, with clear paragraphs.
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