IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. why is this happening? how should they be punished?

Nowadays, there are more and more young people committing
crimes
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
this
Fix capitalization
This
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 essay will look at some primary reasons and offer some possible punishments which suit them. There are a number of reasons for the above crossing
the
Change preposition
of the
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 laws in the young generation. The first reason for rising juvenile
crimes
Use synonyms
 is a lack of parental guidance. These days, parents spend less time taking care of their children
due to
Linking Words
 their busy work schedules. Without parental care and monitoring,
as a result
Linking Words
, many youngsters spend time with friends and might engage in criminal activities
such
Linking Words
 as shoplifting or drug abuse because of peer pressure. Another cause is heavy exposure to violence on TV from watching blockbusters or
gameshows
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game shows
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.
Linking Words
according
Fix capitalization
According
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 to BBC
news
Fix capitalization
News
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, children who watch too many violent movies or play violent games are more likely to become aggressive in
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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adulthood. There are several actions that could be taken to punish the teenagers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 commit the
crimes
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, young people who commit minor offences
such
Linking Words
 as shoplifting or pickpocketing can be sent to reform schools where they are taught about the dangers of committing
crimes
Use synonyms
.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, stricter punishments should be imposed on those who commit serious
crimes
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as robbery or violent attacks. These dangerous criminals should receive longer prison sentences.
As a consequence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 could prevent them from re-offending after being released. In conclusion, there are various factors leading to juvenile offences
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
lacking
Wrong verb form
a lack of
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 parental guidance and TV
affection
Use the right word
addiction
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 and many kinds of punishments can be implemented to suit each individual.

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task response
Your essay answers the task and gives both causes and a plan of punishment. Make your opening line more clear: say your main idea in one sentence so the reader knows what you will discuss.
coherence
In the body, use simple links to show how one idea leads to another (for example, because of this, also this). Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and end with a short wrap up.
structure
Clear plan with start, middle and end
content
Good use of examples like shoplifting and robbery
vocabulary
Simple words are used
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