In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do part-time jobs. What is the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part-time jobs?

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In the modern world, there are various types of jobs available for people depending on their requirements and needs. The trend that teenagers pursue part-time employment is gaining popularity in many nations. In
this
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essay, I will delve into the situation in my homeland, and present the benefits as well as the disadvantages of
this
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practice.
To begin
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with, some young adults in my nation are adapting relatively quickly to
this
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development mainly for two reasons. The
first
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one is the high cost of tertiary education which becomes quite a heavy burden for a number of families with poor incomes. By doing part-time jobs, they partially share the financial burden with their parents.
Additionally
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, they are willing to earn work-life experience at an early age
instead
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of solely knowledge from schools or colleges, through which they might be able to have a clearer idea of their desire and future career.
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

Then
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When

The word Then doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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it comes to advantages, there are a few to
be note
Change the verb form
be noted

It appears that the form of the verb note does not work with be in this sentence.

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. Juveniles can profit from the financial, social, and personality-developing aspects of part-time employment.
For instance
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, it helps them cover day-to-day expenses and instil good habits of discipline and time management into teenagers because creating a balance between work and study is crucial in order to perform both productively.
Moreover
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, young people can improve their social skills and broaden contacts with diverse backgrounds, supporting their professional life in the future.
However
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, some downsides should
also
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

be acknowledged. Those are detrimental factors to their health and influence their social life and study outcome.
For example
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, young students who frequently pursue part-time jobs may experience stress to a certain level, resulting in the development of health issues
such
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as sleep troubles or reduction of concentration.
Consequently
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they may not have efficient time for their family, friends and hobbies, and more importantly, those disadvantages will affect drastically their study outcomes owing to absenteeism and bad marks in exams. In conclusion, the trend of part-time employment is growing relatively fast in my homeland because of the high intuition fee and financial burden of the family.
This
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

practice is beneficial with regard to the development of good discipline and time management habits and the creation of better social skills and contacts for their future career.
Nevertheless
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, the drawbacks
also
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need to be noted due to their impacts on teenagers’ health, social life and academic results.

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Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

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  • such as
  • namely
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