IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Employer some time ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies, and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant or useful. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#employer #time #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interests
In the contemporary world, whether
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
 should be allowed to get the personal details of employees or not has sparked controversial opinions, with advocates and critics both representing valid arguments.
This
 essay will analyze both perspectives and will
subsequently
 offer a viewpoint.
To begin
 with, the primary reason that the collection of personal details of employees
such
 as their hobbies, and interests should be acceptable is because it helps the employer to understand the nature and skills of personnel easily. There might be some individuals who might be good sports personalities,
this
 depicts that they may inherit excellent cooperation and coordination skills.
Moreover
, schedules can be amended as per the needs of people who are married because they have a family to take care of and spend some quality time with them.
Thus
, if the company knows that they are married
then
 they can be shifted to the nearest office. On the flip side, some owners may judge their workers
according to
 the hobbies, and interests they have.
This
 is not an accurate way of judging people.
For instance
, there are a certain number of adult workers who prefer to drink during the night, and if their owners and co-workers know about that they may judge them inappropriately.
Furthermore
, some married women can be dominated at work because individuals may think that
due to
 their family pressure, they will not be able to concentrate. Superiors will not give equal importance to married women and single ladies.
According to
 my viewpoint, judging people through their interests is not relevant.
Instead
, everyone should be provided equal opportunities to prove their skills and qualifications.
To conclude
, as per the matrimonials mentioned above, disclosing personal interest in front of the employer has both merits and demerits but in my opinion, it is not useful for the employees to give their details
while
 joining the firms.
Submitted by ss6802125 on

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Lexical Resource
Be cautious of repeating the same words or phrases. Try using synonyms or rephrasing sentences to improve your range of vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Consider adding more varied sentence structures to showcase your grammatical range.
Task Response
While expanding on examples, ensure that they directly support your main arguments for a more cohesive argument.
Task Response
Your essay effectively discusses both sides of the argument and concludes with a clear personal opinion, showing good task achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-defined, providing a clear overview and final perspective on the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've supported your main points with relevant arguments, enhancing the essay's coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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