IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#improvements #today’s #health #care #society #people #numbers
Today, more and more senior
people
 need to be
take
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
care
 of
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
improvements are made in health
care
.
Rising
Add an article
The rising
A rising
show examples
 population of elderly globally becomes a serious issue which
examine
Change the verb form
examines
show examples
 if we are capable to deal with them. From my viewpoint, I firmly believe that we have the ability to take
care
 of old
people
 with resources in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 and I will discuss my points below. In most developed countries, there are more senior
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
 in their
society
 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
infants. It means that in those countries a youth should take
care
 of several elderly
people
 at the same time. While the power of an individual is limited, the power of
society
 seems to be abundant because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
state of the art
Add a hyphen
state-of-the-art
show examples
 technologies today help to maintain old
peoples'
Correct your spelling
people's
show examples
 lives and keep them living longer than before. As the result, an increasing number of seniors is a tricky problem we need to face,
in particular
 the advanced economies. To deal with
this
 issue, a holistic development of
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 system should be taken into account
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 statesmen.
First
Add a comma
,First
show examples
 they need to establish communication between elderly
people
 and medical institutions
such
 as local
Correct your spelling
clinics
clincs
Correct your spelling
clinics
 or hospitals in their
neighborhoods
Change the spelling
neighbourhoods
show examples
.
Then
 follows
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a real-time reporting system to monitor their health conditions, if some accidents
Correct your spelling
occurred
occur
occured
Correct your spelling
occur
 to them, members
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
 can contribute
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to cope with the issues. What's more, nursing homes
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should provide medical and mental
cares
Fix the agreement mistake
care
show examples
 to seniors as they may feel lonely after
Add an article
the move
a move
show examples
move
Wrong verb form
moving
show examples
 into
nursing
Add an article
a nursing
show examples
 house.
For example
, holding activities can give them a sense of belonging and increase their willingness to integrate
in
Change the preposition
into
with
show examples
 the new environment.
Finally
, we as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
citizens should shape an
Add a hyphen
elderly-friendly
show examples
elderly friendly
Add a hyphen
elderly-friendly
show examples
 environment by facilitating them with sufficient
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 so that they can really enjoy their lives in
this
 community. In summary, to cope with seniority
society
, we should prepare ourselves to face the issue and develop solutions to help them overcome difficulties with the power of
society
.
Submitted by razab5469 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: