For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Due to
advances in technology
more and more Add a comma
technology,
people
working harder to earn a lot of moneyas
well as learn Correct your spelling
money as
skills
along with
experiences. Some people
think that people
work
hard the reason is to earn money
. I agree with this
statement and think that some public work
hard to learn skills
and help others. I will discuss my reasons for it in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
with, there are many reasons why the public work
hard to earn money
. First and foremost, money
is the basic need for every individual to fulfil their daily activities. For example
, due to
advanced
in technology and the digitalisation of the world, everything skyrocketing and for that reason, individuals working harder to earn a lot of Fix the agreement mistake
advances
money
for their daily expenses. Secondly
, without money
people
cannot survive in the developed world, this
is because individuals need money
to buy their household chores and other things.
On the other hand
, some people
work
hard to learn some skills
and help their country. For example
, Bhagat Singh, worked hard for us to be free from British Rule and died as a brave martyr. Hence
, some public wants to save their country
Change noun form
country's
people
by socialising and campaignings
. Fix the agreement mistake
campaigning
Furthermore
, we listen to many army officers who died in wars, it is illustrated that some people
also
exist in this
world who work
harder for others.
In conclusion,money
is a basic need for the public to survive and we cannot be denied the need for money
. However
, every individual does not work
hard to earn money
, some also
want to help others and learn skills
from their work
.Submitted by razab5469 on
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task achievement
Your introduction sets a clear premise by stating your agreement with the idea, but it needs polish in phrasing and grammar. Consider restructuring sentences for better flow and clarity.
task achievement
While you have included examples to support your points, ensure they are directly relevant and clearly linked to the main argument of the paragraph.
task achievement
Your conclusion summarizes your points effectively, but it could be more concise. Avoid introducing new ideas in the closing paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Work on making your transitions between points smoother. Using cohesive devices more evenly throughout your essay can improve flow.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph should focus more clearly on a single main idea supported by relevant examples. Try to expand on your points with more detailed reasoning.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a structured introduction and conclusion which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
You have included historical examples, such as Bhagat Singh, which enrich your argument.
task achievement
Your response addresses the question prompt fully, considering multiple perspectives.
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