IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
Despite it being thought that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one-
third
 of the world population will be young adults and
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of the people will be old aged after 10 years, there are some controversies about the increasing of young.
However
, I believe essay advantages of the young population outweigh the disadvantages. On the one hand, the main disadvantage of increasing the number of young people is unemployment. When graduates completed their studies, they failed to manage
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 jobs for the lack of vacancies.
For example
, recently a report has been published in the daily newspaper that in the
last
 three years the rate of jobless adults are increased drastically in Bangladesh, and they are becoming stressed severely.
Consequently
, they tend to
engaged
Change the form of the verb
engage
show examples
 themselves with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminal offences and
drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
 activities which could be detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Even worse, many of them have been choosing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
suicidal attempts to avoid
this
 circumstance.
On the other hand
, the world is being benefited by young professionals
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tremendous ways. If young individuals face
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
difficulties
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
Correct your spelling
getting
geeting
Correct your spelling
getting
 a job, they try to invent new things
instead
 of waiting.
For instance
, a study has shown that most of the innovations in the universe have been introduced by young people.
Furthermore
, they belong
amazing
Change preposition
to amazing
show examples
 attributes including painstaking,
energetic
Replace the word
energy
show examples
,
courageous
Replace the word
courage
show examples
 and so many
.
Correct quantifier usage
others.
show examples
 The most important uniqueness of
youngstars
Correct your spelling
youngsters
young stars
 would be
startup
Correct article usage
the startup
show examples
 business concept
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 solving numerous problems apart from the conventional way.
As a result
, they
Correct your spelling
contributed
contibuted
Correct your spelling
contributed
 to the economy vastly in some countries because most of the population
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 involved with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
earning money. In conclusion,
although
large
Change the article
a large
the large
show examples
 number of young could be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, its advantages outraced the drawbacks undoubtedly.
Submitted by ataul.mumit on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: