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Band 7.5

Success is often measured in terms of how much money somebody has earned. Do you think wealth is a good measure of success? How else could we measure whether somebody is successful or not?

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A few regard
success
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 as essentially measured by the amount of money or wealth one has accumulated. Primarily, social media is influencing
this
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 way of thinking.
Although
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 being wealthy is one measure of
success
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, I believe other factors,
such
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 as academic qualification and extraordinary sporting achievements,
also
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 need to be considered. Admittedly, having massive houses, luxury cars, and millions of dollars are status symbols of
success
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 in life. Individuals venture into entrepreneurship to build wealth and focus on growing their earnings to be counted as successful in terms of their finances. Elon Musk,
for instance
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, the wealthiest man in the world, is seen to be highly successful based on his massive net worth.
However
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, in my perspective, if a person is not giving back to the community, he should not get the consideration of being successful.
Therefore
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, other forms of measuring one’s
success
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 must be given equal importance in society. The primary examples of these successes are academic qualifications in noble professions
such
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 as doctors or teachers and incredible sports feats. Even though doctors, particularly general practitioners,
would
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apply
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generally earn less money compared to business executives,
according to
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 a recent study conducted by Harvard University, it cannot be regarded that they are any less successful in society. If everyone only thinks about making a huge pile of money, there would be a significant shortage of
this
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 profession, resulting in a plethora of untreated citizens, which could lead to major health and social issues.
Furthermore
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, despite some athletes reaching remarkable
success
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 in the sporting world, not all are super rich.
For example
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, the captain of the champion Fiji 7’s Rugby team, named the best player in the world, lives in a squatter settlement. In conclusion, it is concerning how people are judged in modern societies only through their financial position. Every successful person giving back to the community,
such
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 as doctors and educationists, must be respected by everyone regardless of their earning capacity.
Moreover
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, I strongly suggest that society would benefit from a more holistic perspective on measuring
success
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 rather than focusing only on wealth.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph relates back to the overall topic and thesis, and consider varying sentence structure to improve fluency.
task response
Address specific aspects of the prompt, such as the impact of wealth on success, and provide a more detailed analysis to further support your ideas.
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