IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that smoking cigarettes should be banned. On the other hand, there are those who disagree with this measure. Do you agree or disagree with the banning of cigarettes?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Although
Linking Words
 the use of
tobacco
Use synonyms
 is thought to be detrimental and should be prohibited for public health, other people think it is a matter of personal choice which we should respect. I think that a smoking ban brings about more problems in preventing people from exercising their right to free will, and there are other alternatives to discourage smoking without governmental intervention.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, one problem when the
government
Use synonyms
 prohibits
cigarettes
Use synonyms
 is that it potentially exposes the
government
Use synonyms
 to too much power on personal matters. If a smoking ban is announced by the
government
Use synonyms
, we can certainly expect that the
government
Use synonyms
 will soon start to decide on all other major choices in life,
for example
Linking Words
, the use of medicine, the partner we choose to marry, and the number of children that a family decides to raise. Never should
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
we desire an authoritative, controlling
government
Use synonyms
 like
this
Linking Words
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, not only is it crucial for governments to protect people’s free will, but it
also
Linking Words
 grants individuals the option to choose their own path.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, there are other countermeasures to be taken in order to discourage the misuse of
tobacco
Use synonyms
 .
For instance
Linking Words
, non-profit organizations, whose
visions
Fix the agreement mistake
vision
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 to promote healthy lifestyles, might run public campaigns to advocate the potential harm caused by
cigarettes
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, experts in the
tobacco
Use synonyms
 industry may continue their research and development on electronic
cigarettes
Use synonyms
, which
serves
Correct subject-verb agreement
serve
show examples
 as a substitute for real
tobacco
Use synonyms
 with much less damage to the physical condition of smokers. The more of a “joint effort” that society puts
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
together to discourage smoking, the better our well-being.
Conclusion
In conclusion, a call for a smoking ban is not necessary at all, as it may lead to the exploitation of governmental power. We should let people choose what they want to do with
cigarettes
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 society might provide assistance to those who want to get rid of harmful habits.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, but your response is not fully developed.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good logical structure and the main points are well-supported with relevant examples.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: