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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#governments #world #money #illnesses #diseases #health #education #prevention
It is often argued that the healthcare budget is heavily allocated to treating an illness with little focus on preventing one. I completely agree with
this
 opinion and the governments should emphasize more on the importance of illness prevention and well-being education.
This
 essay will extensively explain the reasons to support my opinion based on real-life examples.
To begin
 with, preventing illness
cost
Wrong verb form
costs
show examples
 considerably less than treating one. The government cover numerous aspects of treatment procedures,
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 wage of healthcare workers and the relevant tools and materials required, which makes the treatment pretty expensive. In
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
marked contrast,
Correct article usage
the preventions
show examples
preventions
Fix the agreement mistake
prevention
show examples
a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
disease
cost
Correct subject-verb agreement
costs
show examples
 little or no money at all.
For instance
, it costs almost 200 $ to treat dental decay in Russia
due to
 expensive filling materials,
while
 it requires minimum financial investment (the cost of
tooth brush
Correct your spelling
toothbrush
show examples
 and
tooth paste
Correct your spelling
toothpaste
show examples
) to brush their teeth regularly and properly to have healthy teeth.
Moreover
, advocating
disease
 prevention and investing in
health
 education can be much more cost-effective than covering treatments.
In addition
, increasing
effort
Fix the agreement mistake
efforts
show examples
 in education and prevention can improve the public
health
 status. The most prominent public
health
 issues are shifting from infectious
disease
 to chronic condition, which is largely preventable.
According to
 one recent research, almost 30% of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
chronic diseases can be avoided if individuals steer clear of risky
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
,
such
 as smoking, overeating and lack of
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
For instance
, most primary lung cancer can be precluded by limiting one’s tobacco use,
Thus
, the authorities should
endeavor
Change the spelling
endeavour
show examples
 to propagate the idea of
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle as preventive care rather than to introduce advanced treatment as a consolation to people who have
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
health
 problems
due to
 poor life choices. In a nutshell, I strongly believe that when tackling illnesses, the authority should channel the largest part of the budget to preventive actions rather than on mediation because it can reduce significantly the expenditure on healthcare and lighten the
disease
 burden on society. It
also
 helps to improve people’s living quality and their well-being.
Submitted by riveraeka55 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay shows good logical structure, but some areas need further development for better coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The response provided a complete argument, but could benefit from more specific details and examples to fully support the ideas.
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