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Band 4.5

According to an international travel magazine, many tourists today fly straight to their holiday resort and almost never leave it. Unlike tourist in the 1960s and 70s, they return home with no experience of the local culture. Why do you think this happen? How was tourism different in the past?

#travel #magazine #tourists #holiday #resort #tourist #home #culture #happen #tourism
Nowadays, it is believed that many tourists fly straight to their
accommodation
Fix the agreement mistake
accommodations
show examples
 and never leave that place for knowing
the
Change preposition
about the
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 local cultures
at
Change preposition
in
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 that area, different from tourists in the 1960s and 70s. There are 2 main reasons that conduct
this
 thing
to happen
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happened
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.
First
, in
this
era
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,era
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 people become more of themselves and less of others. It makes people only care for themselves and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not care
to
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about
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 others. They want to spend
Add an article
the holiday
a holiday
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holiday
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holidays
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 alone in silence after facing harsh reality
in
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on
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daily
Correct article usage
a daily
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 basis. Their purpose
in
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on
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 holiday is different from
tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
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 in
1960s
Correct article usage
the 1960s
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 and 70s who want to know the local
culture
,
instead
Add a comma
,instead
show examples
 they want their
Correct your spelling
holiday
hoilday
Correct your spelling
holiday
 as a chance for healing their mind and make them calm.
Second
, in my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
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 local
culture
 in the 2010s is not as strong as it used to be because of the influences
from
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of
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 technology. I believed that are many missing points and
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
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 in the
culture
 rather than
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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just
do
Wrong verb form
doing
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 it for the sake of tradition. Many local
culture
Change to a plural noun
cultures
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also
Add a missing verb
are also
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 modified just so they can be more related to modern
culture
 and be more entertaining, while they lose their originality. In fact, the originality of the local
culture
 is what makes it naturally beautiful.
Moreover
, in
20th
Correct article usage
the 20th
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 century a lot of remote areas has been
receive
Change the verb form
receiving
received
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 massive growth of
building
Fix the agreement mistake
buildings
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 that
also
 change the way of tourism.
Bunch
Correct article usage
A bunch
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 of beautiful and comfortable
resort
Fix the agreement mistake
resorts
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build
Replace the word
buildings
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and
Correct word choice
that
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 make people don't want to leave their
room
Fix the agreement mistake
rooms
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 and want to enjoy the room while it
last
. These are factors that make tourism now
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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different
with
Change preposition
from
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 the past. Technology changes everything swiftly and it is will
getting
Change the verb form
get
be getting
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 outta hand.
Submitted by matlbert20 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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