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Band 6

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measure should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

#childhood #obesity #years #measure
In today's world, more and more
children
 are becoming obese, and
this
 creates a number of problems for both the
children
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 parents. In
this
 essay, I will explain the main reasons why so many
children
 are becoming fatter, and I will give some solutions to these problems. The first reason for childhood obesity is that young people nowadays eat too much
junk
food
. Everyone knows that
junk
food
 has a lot of calories and is not good for our health.
However
,
children
 often love
this
 kind of
food
 and when they eat too much of it, they get bigger. Another reason why more
children
 are obese is that they do not do enough
exercise
. Exercising burns calories and helps us to have a normal weight. One way to stop
children
 from eating so much
junk
food
 is to ban advertising to
children
. Very often,
children
 only want to eat things like chocolate and potato chips because they see advertisements
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them on TV.
Therefore
, if we stop
this
 kind of advertising,
children
 might not want
this
junk
food
.
Additionally
, if we want to make
children
exercise
 more, we should make it a more regular part of their school program. If
children
exercise
 three times a week at school, they might lose some weight. In conclusion, childhood obesity is a problem which exists because of
junk
food
 and not exercising; and we can solve
this
 problem if we ban advertising to
children
 and if they
exercise
 more at school. It is important that governments and parents think seriously about
this
 problem because the health of
children
 is extremely important.
Submitted by bitimbayz on

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task achievement
You could strengthen your essay by including more specific examples to support your points. For instance, providing data or case studies related to advertising impact on children's eating habits would enhance credibility.
task achievement
Consider adding a bit more elaboration on how exactly the proposed measures would be implemented and enforced. For example, who would regulate junk food advertising, and in what capacity would schools increase physical activity?
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, but transitions can be made smoother. Use more varied linking words or phrases to connect your ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the problem and solution effectively.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-organized, making it easy to follow the argument throughout the essay.
task achievement
You clearly identify two primary causes of childhood obesity and propose thoughtful, relevant solutions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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