IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries an increasing number of children are overweigh as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to ban selling this kind of food in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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It is often said that in plenty of countries, more and more young people are becoming overweight every day
due to
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 overconsumption of fast
food
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.
Therefore
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, the authorities to ban the sale of
this
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 type of
food
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 in
schools
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. I hold a balanced view in
this
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 aforementioned statement, and in the following essay, these reasons are about to be debated as well. On the one hand, enforcing some strict regulations on selling fast
food
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 in educational institutes could benefit youngsters. The reason is that by putting limitations on the consumption of
this
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 poor nutrient dish, young people could be persuaded to eat more healthy
food
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and have a better shape.
For example
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, I used to struggle with obesity in elementary
school
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 because of my habit of eating sandwiches in
school
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;
however
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, our
school
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 forbade any type of fast
food
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.
As a result
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, I lost 10 pounds.
Thus
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, forbidding the expenditure on fast
food
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 could make juveniles fitter and with better health.
On the other hand
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, by not allowing junk
food
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 to be sold in
schools
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, youngsters could tend to have more temptation to eat fast
food
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 outside.
As a consequence
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, the enforcement would even aggravate the situation.
For instance
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, an investigation
was taken
Wrong verb form
took
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 place
last
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 year related to
this
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 topic in which 30 kids were examined at a
school
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. It turned out that by
this
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 banishment, most children
gain
Wrong verb form
gained
show examples
 more weight
due to
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 eating fast
food
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 outside of their
school
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.
Thus
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, imposing limitations on selling fast
food
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 in
schools
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 by government authorities is not always an effective strategy. In conclusion, some people argue that imposing rules to ban selling fast
food
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 in
schools
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 is crucial since youngsters are getting fatter every day by consuming
this
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 kind of
food
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. I partially agree and disagree with the statement as well.

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task response
The essay provides a balanced view on the topic and presents arguments for both sides effectively. Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear structure with introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments for both sides, and a conclusion. However, ensure a stronger connection between ideas within paragraphs for better coherence.
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