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Writing Samples /
Band 6

In some countries an increasing number of children are overweigh as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to ban selling this kind of food in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #children #overweigh #food #governments #ban #schools
It is often said that in plenty of countries, more and more young people are becoming overweight every day
due to
 overconsumption of fast
food
.
Therefore
, the authorities to ban the sale of
this
 type of
food
 in
schools
. I hold a balanced view in
this
 aforementioned statement, and in the following essay, these reasons are about to be debated as well. On the one hand, enforcing some strict regulations on selling fast
food
 in educational institutes could benefit youngsters. The reason is that by putting limitations on the consumption of
this
 poor nutrient dish, young people could be persuaded to eat more healthy
food
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and have a better shape.
For example
, I used to struggle with obesity in elementary
school
 because of my habit of eating sandwiches in
school
;
however
, our
school
 forbade any type of fast
food
.
As a result
, I lost 10 pounds.
Thus
, forbidding the expenditure on fast
food
 could make juveniles fitter and with better health.
On the other hand
, by not allowing junk
food
 to be sold in
schools
, youngsters could tend to have more temptation to eat fast
food
 outside.
As a consequence
, the enforcement would even aggravate the situation.
For instance
, an investigation
was taken
Wrong verb form
took
show examples
 place
last
 year related to
this
 topic in which 30 kids were examined at a
school
. It turned out that by
this
 banishment, most children
gain
Wrong verb form
gained
show examples
 more weight
due to
 eating fast
food
 outside of their
school
.
Thus
, imposing limitations on selling fast
food
 in
schools
 by government authorities is not always an effective strategy. In conclusion, some people argue that imposing rules to ban selling fast
food
 in
schools
 is crucial since youngsters are getting fatter every day by consuming
this
 kind of
food
. I partially agree and disagree with the statement as well.
Submitted by nazi.tbt on

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task response
The essay provides a balanced view on the topic and presents arguments for both sides effectively. Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear structure with introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments for both sides, and a conclusion. However, ensure a stronger connection between ideas within paragraphs for better coherence.

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