Some people think that spending a lot on holding weddings, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however think that these are necessary for individuals and the society.
In the present society, some of them
are believed
that paying out more money on behalf of wedding functions, Wrong verb form
believe
birthday
parties are unnecessary money-wasting activities. But some of them are believing that these are necessary social activities. I completely agree with the first statement and I am going to elaborate on both perspectives in forthcoming paragraphs.
Modern society used to celebrate their life events very unnaturally. As an example, some of them spend a lot of money on decorations for a day and pre-shoot photography, going to be bright as well useless programmes which are not suitable for their backgrounds. Correct word choice
and birthday
For instance
, people apply loans for to invest money in them and they have to spend a whole beautiful lifetime to settle the debts. Because they think to highlight other than their relatives or well-known persons . Like a competition. On the other hand
, alcohol consumption is popular among the younger generation on their occasions and they quarrel with others harm to properties and destroy happiness. Those misused works break up social awareness.
Apart from
this
, some other people believe that life event ceremonies get- together with
each other of the family members, relatives and friends. Furthermore
, anniversaries such
as parent's golden wedding anniversary bring their children back, who live far away from home. So such
memorial events are valuable to their lives. Additionally
, human beings are sociable creatures and usual community activities are present. Due to
this
some kind of celebrations are fresh- up the social bond.
In conclusion, although
parties are
Wrong verb form
were
a
necessary cultural community events Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
at
the past, in the present era they are unnecessary, Change preposition
in
as a result
of our savings destroy and misused behaviour broken hearts of best
people.Correct article usage
the best
Submitted by amalitharangani0 on
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Task Achievement
Aim to develop a clearer introduction. While your position is stated, it could benefit from a more concise thesis statement that previews the reasons for your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance readability and complexity. Using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences can make your essay more engaging.
Task Achievement
Work on paraphrasing the essay question in the introduction to avoid repetition and demonstrate your linguistic range.
Coherence & Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking words to smoothly transition ideas between paragraphs and sentences for better cohesion.
General
Be cautious of minor grammatical errors and pay attention to preposition usage, which can affect the clarity of your message.
Task Achievement
You provided a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
Task Achievement
You included relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?