IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In some parts of the world, people have become more focused on themselves than their communities. What problems can this situation cause and how can they be solved?

#parts #world #people #communities #situation
There is the
tendention
Correct your spelling
intention
 that
people
 are more concentrated on
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 life than their family, team or society.
Although
this
 situation becomes the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a lot of problems our community creates solutions. In
this
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I am going to discuss both issues and troubles. Despite the fact that
SOCIAL
Correct article usage
the SOCIAL
show examples
 network is spread nowadays,
people
 are more alone than they were. It happens everywhere with
millions
Add the preposition
ofmillions
show examples
people
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they want to see
Add an article
the reaction
show examples
reaction
Fix the agreement mistake
reactions
show examples
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their own photos and videos which they upload to Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
As a result
,
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 are not ready to answer
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
each ‘like’ or comment.
Moreover
, they care only about
quantity
Add an article
the quantity
show examples
 of subscribers
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
channel or
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
web page.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
people
 can not feel true emotions when they just seat in front of a screen, when they are online only, due to the fact that they do not keep in real touch.
On the other hand
, many understand that life balance is not possible without
alive
Correct your spelling
live
show examples
 conversations and sharing emotions. In spite of the time and
work
Add a comma
,work
show examples
 we should seek
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to come to our families, colleagues and friends in offline life.
Although
 almost everybody has a smartphone nothing
replace
Correct subject-verb agreement
replaces
show examples
 sincere meetings.
For instance
, when I miss my parents during my university time, I decided to buy
Add an article
a ticket
show examples
ticket
Fix the agreement mistake
tickets
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them very soon. They were very surprised
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because my mother and father did not expect to see me. So, we spent
beautiful
Correct article usage
a beautiful
show examples
 time together, which we remind sometimes and realize
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
 to keep community.
Sum
Fix the infinitive
To sum
show examples
 up,
people
 are allowed to have
private
Add an article
a private
show examples
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 in their social networks, where they can focus on themselves.
However
, we must not forget to keep in touch with our family and friends
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
offline.
Submitted by alex.i.leontev on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social isolation
  • Mental health issues
  • Community participation
  • Social cohesion
  • Civic pride
  • Volunteerism
  • Charitable contributions
  • Collective responsibility
  • Cultural heritage
  • Educational campaigns
  • Collective action
  • Tax deductions
  • Recognition programs
  • Mentorship
  • Community leadership
  • Intergenerational interactions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: